Thursday, April 14, 2005

Good News For Boobs

Praise the Lord, big boobs are back! The Food and Drug Administration voted 7-2 to approve the sale of silicone implants from one California manufacturer to women seeking breast enhancement/intelligence depletion.

First, let me say thank you, FDA, for allowing the sale of silicone implants to small chested women like me. See, for years I've been looking for a confidence booster/self-esteem enhancer. And after much soul-searching, reading, and academic study, what I've come to realize is that putting two packets of silicone under my nips will do just the trick. I don't care if they're likely to rupture, causing me to spew silicone out of my orifices like those women who testified before Congress to say they had silicone squeezing out of their eyes and ears. Who cares? We're talking bigger boobies, people!

Secondly, let me thank The New York Times, for placing this story above the fold on the front page, making me realize that boobs are, in fact, the most important thing going in the world today. Iraq-Schmiraq. Boobs, people. Boobs. Keep your eye on that prize.

Thirdly, a big shout out to the culture. It's a proud day when I learn that this is a several hundred million dollar industry, one which fulfills the big boob dreams of 250,000 women a year. That's half a million bigger boobs each and every year!

Yes, this is exactly the type of feel good story that warms the cockles of my heart and the mosquito bites on my chest.


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January 09, 2006 5:49 AM  

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