Friday, April 08, 2005

This Strategist's Advice to Bloomberg


To: Mike Bloomberg, Billionaire Mayor
From: Robin Epstein, Concerned Citizen
Date: 4/8/2005
Re: Your So-Called “Strategists”

Mr. Mayor, I read the very troubling report in The New York Times this morning about your strategists’ advice to win you reelection, and I just wanted to tell you a little something-something: they’re clearly working against you.

Apparently these “strategists” of yours are advising you to soft-peddle your standing as an elitist rich dude snob with more money floating in your petty cash envelope than they’ve got in the entire national bank of Argentina. Your advisers are also recommending that you “show you care about the concerns of average New Yorkers” because they seem to think that this is what voters want: a mayor who cares about them.

Well, sir, as an “average New Yorker,” I say bullshit.

People love the rich, and totally want to be rich themselves. I mean, think about it. It’s the rich kids who form the center of every popular clique in high school. They get to wear the finest clothes, drive the coolest cars, live in the best places. Everyone aspires to being a rich sonofabitch, so to downplay this trump card, to make it seem like you’re one of the smelly masses, well, sir, yuck. Bad call.

In fact, I think what you should do is make campaign posters for yourself in the shape of hundred dollar bills – and go ahead, replace Ben Franklin’s head with your own! As a girl with champagne tastes, I love the idea of a fabulously wealthy man massaging my budget. And far from being a turn-off, that coldish demeanor of yours spells “bizness” to me.

Yes, that’s my free advice for you. Please take it for what it’s worth.


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