You are SO not getting on her show now!

Memo to Oprah
From the Desk of Robin Epstein

Omigod O!

How can it be? How is it possible that someone would have the nerve, the wickedness, the devil-may-care-I'm-not-interested-in-promoting-my-book-or-fad-diet attitude to try to extort YOU? You are, after all, an American icon, a cottage industry, a South African Girls School founder, a Dr. Phil king-maker and potential member of the lesbian mafia! Didn't this Keifer Bonvillain, the bungling briber realize who he was dealing with?

Bonvillain--the man whose cartoonishly hilarious name translates to mean Good Bad Guy--allegedly sent you an email saying unless you gave him $1.5 million he would release "damaging phone conversations" about you to the public.

First of all, $1.5 million? Bet you got a good chuckle out of that one, huh O? I mean that's just insulting. Everyone knows you keep at least that much in your sock in case Steadman can't come up with cab money. Bonvillain should have asked for 100 times that. Secondly, that he was banking on the fact that something could ruin your reputation suggests to me that the man has been living in a cave for the past 10 years. Not only are you Teflon from your weave to your tiptoes, nothing damages peoples' reputations anymore. If a grainy green sex tape only boosts a career, what could possibly be damaging? Even if you were caught on tape drowning kittens with Osama (not Obama), giggling as you warmed yourselves by a bonfire of American flags, you'd still be able to get people on the NYT best seller list. Thirdly, Bonvillain had to know that by bribing you, he'd never get a guest spot on your show. To think he'd give up the American dream just for some chump change, well that's just sad and an indication that he's not of right mind.

But there is one part of the story that kind of baffles me, O, and I'm hoping you can clear this up. Bonvillain sent you an email. Now how in the hell did he get your email address? Was it just a lucky guess of "SteadmansMommy@aol.com" or "Winfrey-Gore'08@hotmail.com"? Cause I've been trying to email you for years and I haven't had any luck whatsoever.

But now that we're so close, I think you should feel free to tell me. I promise not to abuse it. I'll only send you chain mail when I really need the luck. And I swear I'll never try to explain a joke with a happy face emoticon :)! Oops. :(
You know what, forget it, I'm clearly not yet ready for the responsibility. But I'm going to keep watching the show, reading the mag, and supporting your pet causes because one day I hope I can be.

Your pal,
Robin