Friday, November 04, 2005

Slander and Super Glue: The Testicle Wars

Generally, we here at Chat with R&R tend to avoid discussing our own personal relationship issues and romantic escapades in our blog rants because for one, these things are none of your beeswax, and for two, see number one. But invariably our adoring readership will ask us questions like "Hey, R&R, how would you behave in such&such a romantic situation?" and "Hey ladies, how is it possible that gorgeous girls like you aren't you married yet?" And though we aren't relationship experts, per se (or, say, at all) occasionally we can't help but proffer advice on matters of the heart that we have had some experience with.

To wit, today's subject: What's an appropriate way to behave after a break up?

Well, as it turns out, there are two cases in the news that I'll discuss, then give my "expert" opinion on how I might have acted differently. The first involves NJ Senate candidate and milllllllionnnnnaire Jon Corzine and his scorned wife, Joanne. The second involves a woman who super-glued her ex boyf's penis to his stomach, glued his testicle to his leg and glued the cheeks of his buttocks together.

But first to the Senator: Apparently, Joanne Corzine, the woman who got thrown over for a labor leader that wasn't even Charlize Theron, is pissed. (Rightly so.) But instead of going all Ivana Trump on his fat bank account, Joanne issued a public statement in Tuesday's NYT, to the effect of, my husband's a cheating bastard and a fuckwad. Well, sure enough, Corzine's competition, Doug Forrester decided to pick up on her statement and turned it into a TV ad called "Quote," blasting this message on TV.
When I saw the campaign ad where Andrea Forrester said, 'Doug never let his family down and he won't let New Jersey down,' all I could think was that Jon did let his family down, and he'll probably let New Jersey down, too.

Hmmm, I gotta say, Joanne, that's not cool. I know you think your husband is a cheating sack of shit, and there's no defense for his actions, but this is not good break up etiquette. It makes you seem a lot less classy, it warns other men that you're a loose cannon, but more importantly, it makes you less sympathetic to the judge (probably male) who will be deciding your divorce settlement. So next time you have the urget to open your mouth, pop a Starlight mint in there instead because you'll smell all the sweeter for it.

Now onto the other interesting story of the day, and let me just reiterate the offense: A Pennsylvania woman, so angry with her ex, glued his penis to his stomach, glued his testicle to his leg and glued the cheeks of his buttocks together while he was sleeping. She evidently did such a bang up job with the glue, that nurses had to peel his dick off. You really should read the story for yourself--oh, and be sure to watch the video. But as it turns out, the woman didn't just stop there. After she did her bit with the glue, she went on to pour nail polish on his hair.

Here's my advice to the lady: Sweetheart, the nail polish was completely unnecessary. Overkill. In the sitcom world it's known as "a joke on a joke." You detract from the main event when you try to embellish it with nail lacquer. Next time just "stick" to the basics!

Hope this helps...


Blogger Renée said...

Now I always knew Robin was wise and I knew Robin was funny, and I knew that almost everything she does, writes, says and flashes, tends to be both wise and funny. But, people, this wins the fucking Pulitzer. I am still laughing, Robin, and I read this at 11am this morning.

November 04, 2005 6:25 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Okay, you know how I recently stated that we don't share personal relationship matters here at Chat with R&R? Well, balls to that: Renee, your comment just made me orgasm. Coming from you it's especially thrilling, so I thank you, and, needless to say, if you were a dude, I'd propose on bended knee.

November 05, 2005 2:43 PM  
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