Tuesday, October 18, 2005

It's Primary, My Dear Watson!

Forgive me for getting personal here for a moment, but today promises to be a rather exciting day for me. You see today I have my first appointment with my new primary care physician as selected randomly out of a giant HIP "these are the only doctors you're entitled to see, since you have shitty insurance, you cheap bastard" books (Okay, really it's more like a pamphlet full of names... well, actually, more like liner notes.)

Now normally I avoid doctors if I can. It's not that I don't like them--I do, I do, I really do--and I'm a huge fan of Western medicine. Why if there's a pill that can fix it, I say, throw me a handful! But ever since I went to a doctor to see if there might be a problem with my elbow since it was making horrific cracking sounds every time I extended it, and he eyeballed it--without touching it--and said, "well, it looks okay"--then made me get an MRI and sent me home with bills totaling around three grand, I've tended to avoid the healthcare system in favor of Advil and ice.

But, friends recently convinced me that the hacking cough that I have could well be the bird flu and maybe it's time to do something about it before I infect everyone in Manhattan (...again). So I'll be seeing my first PC here in years and I'm a little nervous. Why nervous? Well, years'n'years'n'years ago I'd also rather randomly selected a physician based on proximity to my apartment, and it didn't really go so well.

Granted, maybe I should have put 2+2 together and thought, "gee, Robin, you do live in Center Gayville, maybe the health clinic you've chosen, the one with the colorful flag flying out front might not cater to your needs exactly." But I'm very open-minded and who cares if I walk into the Audra Lourde pavilion behind a group of teenage tranny prostitutes?

Well, it wasn't so much the teen tranny prostitutes that bothered me (in fact, they were big fans of my eye shadow!), but what did irk me was that my doctor, after stripping me nekked and looking at me in the paper dress asked me how I gender identified. I would've punched her, but let's just say I think she'd been a line backer pre-op herself.

So one can only guess how my experience will turn out today. But if my new doctor asks me to turn my head and cough while trying to test me for testicular cancer, I promise you I will become a health care advocate just as soon as I've very aggressively spread my bird flu all over town in protest.


Anonymous Steve said...

I few years ago I went to see a doctor about that same kind of cracking elbow sounds. He looked at me a little dourly and extended both arms, making little cracking sounds of his own. "See, no big deal," he said, as if I were a complete idiot, and I swore I'd never go to the doctor again unless my organs were actually falling out.

October 20, 2005 3:27 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Amen -- I only went because I thought I was literally going to cough up a lung -- and I envisioned this happening on the subway where I'd be too grossed out to retrieve it once it hit the germ-laden floor... Yikes, this is making me sound like I should probably see a shrink, too.

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