Monday, August 01, 2005

Not This Week, Emo Boys!

Later this week, Renée and I head to Texas to do some readings, sign a few books and meet the Most Heterosexual Men of our dreams there. As we were setting up our smallish-but-bigger-in-Texas book tour, we hadn't realized that Houston was about to be named the "World's Most Heterosexual City" in the "World's Sexiest City" poll.

Little did we know such a poll even existed! Little before had we cared since we live in Manhattan, where people are usually somewhat embarrassed by their status as hets. My fav. line about this is from the movie, "Boiler Room," uttered when a group of ruff'n'tumble bankers approach a table of gay men and one says, "You people disgust me, they should put you all on an island somewhere." The gay man smiles back and replies, "They did. It's called Manhattan."

Anyhoo, the idea of being in a city where Breeders frolic freely is feeling pretty novel to me at this point. Especially after just returning from my trip to The Pines this weekend, otherwise known as the gayest place on earth. Reader, it was wonderful and it was terrible. I was invited out by my friend, McSweeney's writer and all-around hottie, Jay Dyckman. The ratio of men to women was about 35:1 and the men I stayed with were amazing. They were fun, they were smart, they were stylish, they were athletic, they were good dancers, good cooks and as charming a be-turbaned recorder-player in markets of Marrakech. And don't even get me started about the way they looked in bathing suits. I was like a diabetic kid in a candy shop.

Seriously, if I'd lit myself on fire while strolling that beach, the only interest I would have garnered would have been a brief pause to consider if marshmallows could be toasted on my ass.

(*There was one FABULOUS female sighting, though. Walking along the beach, TOTALLY naked save for her mohawk of pubic hair was Robyn Bird, former hostess of the eponymous channel 35 program, The Robyn Bird Show. She got some well-deserved waves from the boys.)

So now onto Texas. And look out, heterosexual men--whoever you are--cause this born in San Antonio prodigal daughter is coming back home and she's ready for action. Needless to say, we'll keep you posted from the road...


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