Jenna and Barbara's Decision Making Process

Barbara: Hey, Jenna.
Jenna: Hi... twin.
Barbara: It's Barbara. My name is Barbara.
Jenna: Really? Hey, isn't that also the name of our...
Barbara: Our grandmother. Yes, it's also the name of our grandmother.
Jenna: She's the one with the white hair and mannish physique, right?
Barbara: Well that certainly ain't Grandpa.
Jenna: Okay, cool, that's what I thought. So, what's up? And don't say "my dinner from last night" because, dude, that was a boot and rally of epic proportion! Can I get an amen?!... Wait, they do have God down here, right?
Barbara: Jenna, listen. I'm, like, really starting to think we should leave Argentina and go back home.
Jenna: Whaaaaat? Whyyyy???
Barbara: Well okay, first off, someone stole my purse and my cell phone.
Jenna: Uhm, Barbara, I think what you meant to say was, "I left my purse and cell phone in a cab when I was so wasted I couldn't see straight or stand upright."
Barbara: No, Jenna, that was you.
Jenna: Whateverrr! Besides, the secret service is here to protect us.
Barbara: Yeah, but my bag got stolen when they were with us.
Jenna: Hahahahaha! Seriously? That is soooo fucked up! But then again, so was Brian.
Barbara: Brian? Who's Brian?
Jenna: He's the agent Daddy tapped from his frat to watch over us. Our families have known one another since, like, the Mayflower. He is sooo cool.
Barbara: Really? What was he doing before he was appointed for this job?
Jenna: After he flunked out of UT, he ran the stables on our ranch.
Barbara: So does that make him qualified?
Jenna: What's with the third degree, Senorita Buzz Kill? We're here to celebrate our 25th birthday, baby. Whooo!
Barbara: Well yeah, I know, but doesn't it bother you that we've been asked to leave the country by the U.S. Embassy?
Jenna: Dude, I thought you were supposed to be the smart one -- do you not read Fox News? They work for us!
Barbara: Well I know that. But I would, like, feel kind of bad if we caused an international incident or something. I mean Daddy's been having a tough time as it is recently.
Jenna: Uh, no he hasn't. And seriously, Barbara, you'd know that if you'd paid more attention to Fox News. Anyway, come on, we have tangerine lessons in an hour, and I need to find my dancing shoes.
Barbara: I don't know, I really think we should go home.
Jenna: Well then maybe you should go. But I'm going to stay. I mean now that I'm 25 I realize that someone needs to be a role model to the girls down here, and I'm sorry, but Madonna is just too old to do that now.
Barbara: That is really mature of you.
Jenna: I know. I just want to make Daddy as proud of me as the world is of him!

If I Were Going to Write About OJ...

Here's how I'd do it: MURDERER!

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I have a music recommendation for you people. Yes, yes, I know. In the past I’ve been accused of having terrible taste in music. And I just have to say those accusations hurt me a great deal because they were as right as rain. But a new day has dawned, and even though I still have great fondness for Ace of Base, my palette has expanded to include good music, too.

So do yourselves a favor and check out this young folk rock singer out of New Braunfels, Texas named Ryan Bingham. Yep, that is a hotlink to his MySpace page, but don't hold that against him. He's got four songs you can listen to there, my favorites are the middle two, "Sunrise" and "Southside of Heaven."

He's got one of those really cool, throaty voices -- imagine a male, cowboy hat wearing Kim Carnes -- wait, no, don't do that, that's an awful image. But even for us North Eastern snobs who tend to shy away from all things non-Brooks Bros., this guy will almost make you wish you, too, knew how to pop off a beer cap with your belt buckle. I haven't heard anything like it and it's worth a listen. Ryan hasn't broken yet, but he's about to and once you hear him, you'll know why. You might even thank me. But maybe we should just leave hypotheticals like that to the Juice man.

Prisoner 082975 Wants to Be Your Friend!

Boy, sexual predators on the internet just can't catch a break! Today comes news that there are bigger, badder motherfuckers lurking in cyberspace who are putting simple pedophiles to shame. Turns out death row inmates are the latest commuters on the information superhighway, and guess what parents? They want your children to be their friendsters! According to the Telegraph, "At least 30 prisoners awaiting execution in Texas have pages on MySpace."

You know MySpace, it's that wonderful social networking site we oldies keep hearing so much about! Well apparently the young ones--and Rupert Murdoch--love it. It's the way they communicate, share ideas, become BFFs with homicidal maniacs.

Unsurprisingly this new prisoner friend trend is far too delicious for the kids to ignore. They're adding convicts to their rolls like the guilty pleasures they are. Really, what self-respecting surly teen wouldn't want a felon for a friend? Talk about a great way to piss off your parents. (Before you could only resort to piercing your hoo-ha and hoping they heard about it from a local member of the clergy.) So you officially heard it here first: death row inmates are the new black, they are the new must have accessory for fall.

Now go ahead, invite Preston to be your friend. Aside from the triple homicide conviction, he's quite a peach!

It's Morning In America!

Favorite headline of the day, "White House Concedes Defeat." Who could have imagined before yesterday those in the White House knew what the word "concedes" meant?

And if that weren't good enough, the Bush administration's own Professor Griff, that combative Minister of DisInformation, Donald Rumsfeld, has just resigned! I mean damn, when the Army Times says you're a nincompoop who has badly misguided the armed forces and the nation, pack it in brother, your mission is embarrassingly accomplished.

R'uh-r'oh...

And you thought the term "frazzled poll worker" only applied to a certain disgraced evangelical leader...

In Indiana's Marion County, about 175 of 914 precincts turned to paper because poll workers didn't know how to run the machines, said Marion County Clerk Doris Ann Sadler. She said it could take most of the day to fix all of the machine-related issues.

A Not So Subtle Reminder

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Democrat. Vote. Vote. Vote.

Jay, Gleefully...

Hello gentle readers, Robin here. Okay, look, I know you're disappointed to be hearing from me instead of Funnyman Jay Dyckman today since Fridays are usually Jay Days at the Shaking blog. But before you start with the inevitable question of, "Oh, so she knocked Jay off now, too?" I'm just here to tell you that Jay is on the road and unable to post right now.

He did, however, ask me to pass a message to you that he sent me "from his Verizon Wireless BlackBerry." It reads thusly:

"Jay sends his regrets that he is on the road but would like Robin to express on his behalf his extreme glee about Ted Haggard."

Happy Tuesday, everyone!