Friday, January 20, 2006

Things To Do in D.C.

So you'd planned the road trip. You'd taken the day off. You'd packed the Scooby snacks and energy drinks for the long ride down. But when you land in D.C. later this afternoon prepared to be first in line to get the best possible seats, you learn much to your horror, shock and dismay that the R&R SHAKING HER ASSETS reading has been cancelled because, well, you were the only one who'd signed up to come.

Friend, we're truly sorry about this. We'd been very excited for the trip as well. But try not to fret, you're in our nation's capital, after all. The Capitol, in fact. (And feel free to switch the "A" and the "O" in Capit*l if I just screwed up the usage.) So we feel it's incumbent upon us to give you some ideas as to how you can spend your time down there when you're not seeing the dynamic duo read and do the little burlesque routine that we'd worked up. (By the way, the world should know that Renee can now spin a fire-tipped baton poised over her hoo-ha like nobody's business.)

So here are our alternate suggestions to make the most of your time in the Beltway:

Tour the Monuments - Our favorite is the one that looks like a big dick. When you're done there, the obelisk is worth a visit, too.

As for Museums, DC boasts some good ones. The Smithsonian is currently running an exhibit on Frost (no, not Robert, and un-uh, not the way conservative doyennes act in bed, neither). This is Frost: Life and Culture of the Sámi - Reindeer People of Norway. Who even knew there were Reindeer people?

The National Gallery is also running a fascinating exhibit with the photography of Nicholas Nixon, which Renee and I got the chance to see when it (and we) were touring in Houston at the Museum of Fine Arts there.

We know the "Memorial" scene in Washington is supposed to be quite impressive, too. You've got the Lincoln one, the Jefferson one, the FDR one, the Korean War one, the Vietnam Vets one, the WWII one, the Civil War one, the Iwo Jima one, the George Mason one, the Women in Vietnam one, and so on and so on and so forth. But frankly, Memorials depress us, so we advise skipping those.

We suppose you can tour the White House. There's also the Capitol and the Supreme Court buildings.

No doubt there's also some sort of "scandals" tour you can take, too, where you'd visit the Watergate (twice), smoke filled back rooms, the crypt where Cheney and his minions are kept, and not a few bi-partisan brothels.

So though we're very sorry you made the trip and didn't get a chance to hear us read, we're certain you're going to have a great time in Washington regardless. Oh, and if, while you're there, you happen to see the President, please send him our regards. We leave it to you to decide how much of the moon you'd like to flash him.


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