Ms. Subways 2006

Just last weekend I mentioned to a group of friends that I'd really like to be the next Ms. Subways, a largely ceremonial office here in New York, one akin to the Vice Presidency in years when someone competent runs the Oval Office. And as some of you readers may recall from a recent posting, I never met an election I didn't like. So the more I've been thinking about it as I've been forced to hoof it around the city the past few days (thank you, Roger Touisant!), the more it makes me realize that run I must. Yes, dear reader, you may consider this the official announcement of my campaign to be Ms. Subways 2006!

Okay, truth be told I'm not entirely sure what the duties of Ms. Subways are. Still I'm pretty sure I can say, "Stand Clear of the closing doors... I SAID STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!" with enough anger and irritation at the idea of not being able to retire at 55 to make you stand clear. And I can certainly snarl at tourists who know not their uptown from their downtown because my pension* isn't gigantic enough (*but before I continue, can someone explain to me what a pension is?... see as a freelancer who works in the private sector, the notion of getting any pension at all is amazing to me -- let alone the idea of getting a big fat one.)

But unlike Teddy Kennedy, I won't blow the "Why do you want to be ______" question. I really do know why I want the job. I want to be Ms. Subways because I LOVE riding around on them. Seriously. When I descend into that netherworld, it's my chance to see people of every shape, size and color. People watching doesn't get any better than on the NY subway system, the whole world is down there. And damn, it is efficient (when it's running). You don't get stuck in traffic, no lights, no resentful waiting for the person in the wheelchair to board the bus--then feeling bad that you've just cursed someone who's handicapped--it's just whizz-bang and you're there. I even love the graphic design of the subway map! Matter of fact, a larger plasticized version of it hangs as my shower curtain.

Some say that the idea of a Miss Anything pageant is demeaning. To them I say, "Lighten Up, Uggos!" I want this for all the right reasons: glory. I'd be a breath of fresh air! I have opinions! I have diplomatic skills, albeit poor ones.

Since this is just the beginning of my campaign, though, I am going to need a few catchy slogans to assure my victory. So I hereby announce a campaign slogan contest! Winner gets a re-gifted Secret Santa prize. Come on, people, I need your help. Epstein for Ms. Subways 2006 just doesn't cut it... Contest ends when the strike is over... whenever that turns out to be...