Thursday, December 15, 2005

We Are Not In A Good Place

A looming disaster threatens to cripple our fair-yet-freezing Gotham City! Thankfully this potential atrocity is not weather related like those that have savaged so many cities of late. Rather, a man-made disaster in the offing -- I’m talking Transit Strike. And if it happens at 12:01 tonight, no doubt about it, it’s gonna suck hard.

Not only will a transit strike leave people stranded in Brooklyn (The horrrrorrrrr!), it will leave even more slow-moving holiday tourists on our city streets! I have nothing against the tourists when they're out of the way in a subway car--watching them jostle around like weeble-wobbles is actually pretty good sport for the duration of a ride--but when they clog the streets, stopping short directly in front of me, my first impulse is to take those lumpen visitors out at the knees. But most importantly, a transit strike will prevent people from getting where they want to go, and getting where you want to go is why most people move to New York in the first place.

Mayor Bloomberg has proposed an emergency contingency plan to contend with the possible walk out. But as a resourceful New Yorker, I'd like to propose some contingencies of my own:

Piggyback Rides - This one has the advantage of allowing you to meet potential mates while getting you where you need to go. If the dude can't get you to Tribeca off the sweat of his back, is this really who you want as a life partner anyway?

Pedicabs - Not just for people exiting Mama Mia! anymore.

Rollerblades/Skateboards/anything with wheels on the bottom that allows you to roll while you're hanging on to the back of a car - Not only will you look like a badass while doing it, the cool exhaust pattern that will imprint on your shirt and your lungs will be a one of a kind "I survived Transit Strike '05" tattoo.

Tobogganing - Perhaps not one's first choice, but don't you think after tobogganing in to work you'd arrive there with a smile on your face (in additon to a few bruises on your rear)?

Bicycle - And when you get doored, you'll get to ride in the city's fastest taxis-- an ambulance--not only getting you where you need to go (hospital) quickly, you'll probably even get to tack on a few days to that holiday vacation.

So maybe it won't be all that bad... Okay, MTA, bring it!


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