Wednesday, March 29, 2006

If I Were In Charge of the World

How can you blame him? Oh, I don't mean about deceiving the American people about the "evidence" of WMD, taking a short-handed, ill-equipped army to war, failing to create an exit strategy in the face of an obvious quagmire. I don't mean how can you blame him for the incompetence he showed in dealing with the disaster that was Hurricane Katrina. I'm not referring to the issue of domestic spying, his piss poor record on the environment or the ginormous budget deficit that he's created as his legacy. I mean how can you blame Dubya for replacing Andrew Card, his chief of staff, with long time crony, yes man and sycophant-extraordinaire, Joshua Bolten?

Why if I were in charge of the world, I'd surround myself with people who'd smile at me and tell me what a great job I was doing even if I were leading the country off a cliff, too. Who wants Mr. Grumpypants Realitycheck coming to your desk first thing in the morning to tell you that you've done fucked up something else? Why-oh-why would you willingly install a person who you know's going to give you bad news? So what if that person has a firmer grip on the truth, on public sentiment on, say, the news? Fuck that shit. I like smiley faces! I like to see heads nodding in agreement. Take a memo, boys: I like it when people rub their noses up my butt.

If I were in charge of the world, I'd make Renee my minister of snack foods, and as such, I'd also put her in charge of all international relations. I mean it's not like the woman isn't qualified. She knows how to curse in multiple languages, which is important. Jay would become chief of bottle washing, meaning he'd handle domestic issues. Many years on the New York Water Polo team certainly give him at least as much cred as, say, someone who worked at the Arabian Horsey Association.

If I were in charge of the world, I'd probably run it just like Georgey. I'd hire all my friends and relatives to do jobs they'd not necessarily be good at, but come on, it would at least keep them off the streets. Because unemployment and poverty is for uneducated poor people. And seriously, who cares about them?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Happy Birthday, Princess!

Just wanted to wish our little Jay bear a very happy 43rd birthday! You've brightened our blog with your snark, your sarcasm and your "humor" in the cutest way, and we didn't want to let the day pass without acknowledging you. So close your eyes, make a big wish (why thank you, I'm flattered you feel that way about me!), and have yourself a very merry beeday.

And don't forget, I want that copy for your Friday posting on my desk by 9:00 am tomorrow morning pronto!

Monday, March 20, 2006

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Okay, it's true, we do joke about the mail that we receive here at Chat with R&R, and the skeptical reader might occasionally doubt the authenticity of some of the letters we print in our !Ask Robin & Renee! feature. For instance some might call bullshit on a certain missive we said was sent last week by that director guy, Steven Spielberg. (Though clearly you people are also the ones who deny the existence of the Tooth Fairy, fat free muffins and an affordable Manhattan apartment, you cynical bastards.) But when we did finally get around to checking our hotmail account the other day, we were floored, flabbergasted and momentarily terrified to find a REAL letter from a REAL person. (Yes, you may count us among the cynical bastards to which we refer.)

However, this letter did not just come from any person looking to increase the size of our genitalia. No. This letter came from two folks who had been featured in a prior posting on the site. Instead of summarizing, we'll reprint the letter for you (in its entirely real entirety.) But before you read the couple's response, you should probably re-familiarize yourself with the post in which they were mentioned (and that's why you'll note our initial fear of reprisal...) So here's the abridged original entry followed by the amazing response of our new best friends:
JULY 17, 2005
KGB tonight
...The former editor and writer for the New York Observer and I will be doing a reading at the much ballyhooed bar, KGB at 7 pm. For those of you thinking, "much as I love Renee and Robin--and I do, I so do--I've already seen them read before," I will tell you that not only are we reading new stuff, the chances of you meeting your soul mate at this event are tremendous! What do I mean? Well, other serious readers of the Styles wedding page will probably know of what I speak, but for those of you who aren't similarly addicted, I point your attention to p. 12 of the NYT Sunday Styles page. Because there you will learn of the nuptials of Mariah Malone and David Calarco, a cute couple who, it is noted in the final sentence of their blurb (the sentence usually reserved for the shameful admission that the groom's former marriage ended in divorce, as did the bride's previous three marriages) "met in 1998 while following Phish, the rock band, around Europe." So you've got to say hey, if these crazy kids could find one another at a Phish concert where they were undoubtedly stoned out of their fucking gourds, I don't think it's a stretch to assume you have a chance of meeting your intended in a small bar in the East Village tonight.

From : Mariah Calarco
Sent : Friday, March 17, 2006 3:34 AM
To :
Subject : posting on your blog on 7-17-05!!!!!

Hello Ladies,
So, my husband randomly decides to Google us the other day to see if anything comes up. I think he was trying to see if our wedding website was still working. Well, it wasn't, but what he found was a million times better...The entry on your site dated July 17, 2005 had us rolling on the ground in laughter for a good half hour. Why? Because we are David Calarco & Mariah Malone (now Calarco) the couple to whom you refered in the style section of the NY Times. Boy were we surprised to read that!! You have a great sense of humor in your writing, and I just wanted to let you know how damned funny we thought that was! I immediately forwarded it to all of my friends and family because, hell, that is the closest to fame I have ever come!! Thanks for that!! I have to say I am quite curious about the reading you did at the event you were promoting that night. Anyway, just wanted to give you a shout out for giving us that pee-in-our-pants-fuckin'-funny moment- it was a lot of fun.
-Mariah Calarco

I ask you, who needs Spielberg when you've got this?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

!Ask Robin & Renée!

To say the mailbag overfloweth here at Chat with R&R would be a complete understatement (in a vastly overstated kind of way). So it's high time we do some spring cleaning and take a look at what we've got in the box (in a decidedly non-ESTy way). That's right, faithful reader, it's time for !Ask Robin & Renée!

Dear Robin & Renée,

Lately I find myself getting ticked off at the most insignificant things. The random change in weather patterns, the broohahas over various "fake" writers, the photos of men in their underpants on the front page of the New York Times. What gives? Why I am so angry all the time?

Sincerely Pissed
Oh Piss,

We feel you, we do! Matter of fact, we, too, have found our equanimity in a twist over some of life's smaller matters: the unstoppably precocious brothers Foer for one. (It's like yeah, thanks, we get it, you boys are bright! A best selling novelist, the editor-in-chief of a well-respected magazine, the winner of the national memory contest, Dahyenu! Leave a little naches for some other jewish parents, okay?) We were also angered to distraction yesterday by the guy sharing the mat with us at the gym who, despite the fact that there wasn't enough room, was so into his music that he started shaking his ass and head all around, splattering us with the sweat off his hair. We were, in fact, so incensed by this we pushed him to the ground, gave him a towel-whipping then shouted, "Hey Olivia Newton-John, you're not in Xanadu anymore!" And we just can not believe--we CAN NOT believe--that South Dakota has decided to go communist.

Then we realized something: it's March Madness time! It's that crazy period where everything stops so that people can celebrate the recruiting practices of not always honorable college basketball coaches. Your hysteria fits into this larger context of national madness, Pissy. So don't fret, if you're anything like us, you'll no doubt be returned to your state of slacker apathy soon enough. But in the meantime we suggest you do something constructive with all that anger, say, learn a foreign language, do some spin art, kick a hipster. Ultimately it's all about making the world a better place.

Truly, madly, deeply
Dear R&R

I've started reading Neil Strauss's book, The Game, a bible-shaped tome detailing the writer's journey to becoming a pick up artist. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I kind of like it. Does this make me an asshole?

Seriously, I love you,

Dear Chumpy,

While we're tempted to answer with a smug "yuh-huh," we won't. Since we're familiar with the work of Mr. Strauss, and we're actually familiar with Mr. Strauss himself--or we were in his pre-makeover New York days--we'll just say we always thought he was a good writer but we also realized in many ways he's always been a jerk and a liar. We feel the same way about The Game. We find it entertaining for sure, but we caution that believing in his "transformation" or anything he says or writes might take you more into JT LeRoy territory than that of your beloved Cassanova.

Not yours, not his and definitely not Mystery's,

Dear R&R,

When are they going to make the movie of SHAKING HER ASSETS? Can't wait!

Steven Spielberg

Thanks for your interest but we've decided we don't want to let Hollywood have it right now. We're artists and we can't be bought*.

*unless we also get points on the back end.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Girls For Sale!

Dear NBC Universal,

Congratulations you big media company, you! A little bird just told me you recently purchased my bestest blogority sister, iVillage, for $600 million.

iVillage, the pink and puffy site dedicated to women! Amazing. Who knew? Now far be it from me to demean another girl trying to make good, but seriously NBC Universal, did you really I dunno, look at the site before you pulled out the credit card? Or did you just say, "what the heck, my husband isn't looking?" and buy it with the loose change at the bottom of your handbag?

See as soon as I heard of your purchase, I immediately did a little research to check out the competition (yes, we women do that, ugly but true -- though I'm guessing that's not something you're going to read about on iVill.) Sure, iVillage had 13.4 million unique visitors from the United States in February 2006 compared to SHAKING's 11 (3 of whom just might have been me, Renee and Jay), but the site's "you go, girl" content will no doubt set poor dead Betty Friedan spinning in her grave. (Not that anyone really cares about Poor Dead Betty, even though I think that would make for a pretty good band name.) Under the iVillage Banner: GET SMART! the site offers classes on "scrapbooking, photography, computers and more!" Just curious, what courses would be offered under the banner GET DUMB? One of the fun exercises you can do is examine photos of Renee Zellweger then "track the Oscar winner's fluctuating size from pin-thin to va-va-voluptuous. You decide which weight looks best!" Va-va-the-editor-who-wrote-that-should-be-force-fed-till-she-explodes.

Another feature on the site is a show with Dr. Bob Berkowitz that goes inside the male mind. I know what you're thinking, how can they do 22 minutes on this? Well, invariably what Dr. Bob does is he sets out a question like, "is sex on the first date a bad idea?" then he gets a few men on the street to give their opinions, then he goes back to the studio where a woman breaks it down and makes sense of the information. That's right, the girl is giving the final analysis of what's going on in a dude's mind. One of the burning questions answered was: Can he handle your success? If I were the girl expert, I would answer that question in 1 word: Ha!

Anyhoo, NBC Universal, it's not that I'm trying to give you buyer's remorse here. I'm totally happy that you bought the equivalent of Good Housekeeping/I can't believe this is my life, how did I become such a boring cliche? online. I'm just saying that maybe now that you have the woman who you consider the appropriate bride, maybe you'd like to consider dropping a few sheckles on slutty sister, SHAKING. I think I speak for my co-writers when I say we here at Chat with R&R would be more than happy to show you a good time. We're a bargain at half the price! Just leave the money on the night stand. I know you know where...

Much love,

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Senator Franken

So this is cool. My old boss and current Air America radio host extraordinaire, Al Franken, called me this morning to announce his candidacy for Senator of Minnesota. Well, okay, it was less of an official announcement than a "Hi, Rob, how are things with you? Good, good. Me? Yeah, I'm doing well and I'm running for Senate in Minnesota," type of a call, but I still think it was pretty cool. And I'm not saying I'll definitely get Chief of Staff if he's elected, but I've been thinking of floating the idea to him. (Al always enjoys a good laugh.)

Right now Al's in the money gathering stage so he can mount a decent campaign against the war mongering/anti-choice/anti-education/anti-poor/pro-spying/corporate lackeys currently in office. He's set up a political action committee, which, if you love I dunno, freedom, you should really check out. Here's the link: Midwest Values PAC.

No doubt this will mean a great deal to the voters of Minnesota, but I hereby endorse Al for Senator. He's smart, he's thoughtful, he's his own man, he's too busy to eavesdrop on your phone calls, he's wise, he's witty and an all around great guy. And best of all, I have his cell phone number!

About Us

View our complete profile