Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Newborn Speaks

Hello, and thanks for coming out today to the "This is not just a cheap attempt to exploit the tragic death of Anna's beloved son" press conference. I know many of you paid a great deal of money to be here, but if you look under your seats, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find a goodie bag, which includes special Halloween Peeps and last month's issue of Vanity Fair, because we wanted to make this a classy affair.

I'm Howard K. Stern, aka, "Howard, the Jewish lawyer" from the Anna Nicole Show on E! and Anna has authorized me to speak on her behalf today because contractually she's only allowed to utter the phrase "TrimSpa, baby!"

But as the flurry of interest surrounding Daniel's tragic overdose slows, Anna and I both thought it was important to let her adoring fans know that she won't soon forget her boy, regardless of how much medication she's taking. In fact, Anna's again opted to act with dignity and has decided to name her daughter after Daniel. Her birth certificate officially reads, "Dannie Lynn Hope." But to us, she'll always be known as "Replacement."

There's also been a bit of controversy surrounding the issue of Replacement's paternity. Yes, I know you're all a lot less interested to learn that I am, in fact, the father than the fact of how I managed to impregnate the drug addled Anna. You're saying, "but she's been in a medically induced coma for the past two years," and I'm saying, "you're not wrong." But, where there's a will, there's a way. And since the will of J. Howard Marshall, Anna's dead billionaire husband, was just validated, let's just say, I found a way!

I'll now entertain your questions... at $100 a pop.

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