Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Newborn Speaks

Hello, and thanks for coming out today to the "This is not just a cheap attempt to exploit the tragic death of Anna's beloved son" press conference. I know many of you paid a great deal of money to be here, but if you look under your seats, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find a goodie bag, which includes special Halloween Peeps and last month's issue of Vanity Fair, because we wanted to make this a classy affair.

I'm Howard K. Stern, aka, "Howard, the Jewish lawyer" from the Anna Nicole Show on E! and Anna has authorized me to speak on her behalf today because contractually she's only allowed to utter the phrase "TrimSpa, baby!"

But as the flurry of interest surrounding Daniel's tragic overdose slows, Anna and I both thought it was important to let her adoring fans know that she won't soon forget her boy, regardless of how much medication she's taking. In fact, Anna's again opted to act with dignity and has decided to name her daughter after Daniel. Her birth certificate officially reads, "Dannie Lynn Hope." But to us, she'll always be known as "Replacement."

There's also been a bit of controversy surrounding the issue of Replacement's paternity. Yes, I know you're all a lot less interested to learn that I am, in fact, the father than the fact of how I managed to impregnate the drug addled Anna. You're saying, "but she's been in a medically induced coma for the past two years," and I'm saying, "you're not wrong." But, where there's a will, there's a way. And since the will of J. Howard Marshall, Anna's dead billionaire husband, was just validated, let's just say, I found a way!

I'll now entertain your questions... at $100 a pop.

Monday, September 25, 2006

How To Be Less of an Asshole: Rosh Hashanah Edition

The Jewish New Year started this weekend, which means for the week to come, Jews across the globe will be doing their damndest to get inscribed in G-d's big book of "Who Lives and Who Dies 2006-2007." Next Monday, on Yom Kippur, that book will close, so on that day we'll fast and give the whole sin-purge thing one last push. See, the thing is, if your name ain't inside that book at the closing bell, well, it was nice knowing ya...

Not wanting to take any chances myself, I got me some religion this weekend and attended services led by Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum of CBST, aka, Congregation I Love My Son's Boyfriend. CBST is the oldest gay synagogue in New York, but it welcomes all cheapskates who won't pay for services elsewhere. I've attended services here for years, not only because I'm allergic to paying retail for religion, but also because Rabbi Kleinbaum gives good sermon. Say what you will about your religious leader, but mine found a way to unite the Christians, Muslims and Jews in Israel when she tried to organize a World Pride Day march! (Okay, so they actually united against her in anti-gay vitriol. Potato, potahtoe.)

Last year, I wrote about her sermon here, and this year the Rabbi came through again. Sure, the general theme was the same, ie, how can I be less of an asshole in the year to come? But this year the Rabbi encouraged us to think about the portion of the bible we were reading that day. Essentially the story is about an incredibly dysfunctional family, Abraham and Sarah, and Abraham's concubine, Hagar. It seems that Sarah got really jealous of Hagar and the son she bore for Abraham, and in a huge hissy-fit, banished Hagar and Ishmael from her house. Abraham, not wanting to fight his legal wife on the status of his lover, agreed and tossed his baby mama into the desert.

The Rabbi's take on all this was pretty interesting. What she said was that the bible doesn't give us stories about perfect people, it shows us folks who are as flawed as you, me and Angelina Jolie. And that even our forbearers acted out of spite and jealousy (much like Jennifer Anniston when she spoke out and posed butt-up for Vanity Fair). So what we need to take from this is that people have always and will always act without the best of intentions: motivations are rarely good-n-pure. But what we need to strive for in the next year is to inflict less pain on the people in our lives. We need to terrorize them less. Essentially we need to be less bitchy.

It won't be easy, but I am going to give it a shot. And for all of you who just made a snarky comment under your breath about my intentions... well, it was nice knowing ya!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Bad!

Dear Investors,

As CEO of Amaranth Advisers, it falls to me to pass along some news. Happily, my youngest, Trip, began his Senior year at Choate without incident -- fingers crossed he'll be Harvard's problem next year! Judy and I celebrated our second anniversary in Mustique, and since she's 21 now, we were even allowed to celebrate with some champagne! And our hedge fund lost $3 billion.

This might be a bit of a shock to those of you who attended last week's investors meeting at the Four Seasons with COO, Charles Winkler, where he assured you that the fund was actually up 25% for the year. But, in fairness to Charlie, that was before a few nervous nellies started dumping large stakes in convertible bonds (whereas those fellas usually just dump large steaks in convertible blondes -- Hi-yo!)

Over the past few years there have been rumblings that hedge funds like ours, you know, the secret, unregulated kind, could create "widespread financial disruptions," but our philosophy has always been "we're too rich to care what peasants think." And some may say that in 2004, when we protested an SEC ruling to register with federal regulators, saying, "Amaranth does not 'operate in the shadows' outside regulatory scrutiny," we were lying in a BIG, big way, that we're now being hoisted by our own petard, that this is karmic payback for standing on the shoulders of working Americans (in our golf spikes) and laughing as we danced a jig.

Well, all I have to say is fret not! Remember the consequences for those involved with Long Term Capital a few years ago? I know, me neither! Talk about Short Term Memory. I mean, yes, right now you're thinking, "I'm out $3 billion." And all I can say to that is "oopsie." But don't you worry, we'll find someone to blame for this... and just a guess, he'll be a registered Democrat! Those people are always trying to take the money out of our fur-lined pockets, aren't they?

Feel better? I'm glad. Anyway, we'll catch up at the club at some point soon, I'm sure. If you need to reach me in the next few weeks, I'll be between banks in the Caymans, Switzerland and Dubai.

Thurston McEatthepoor III

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Attention All Segway Riders!

Here's the headline:

Segway Recalls Scooters for Injury Risk

The "risk," of course, is that you'll look like a douchebag.

And yes, in case you were wondering, that is our President falling off his scooter.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Three Fallen Women

Contrary to popular belief, that title does not refer to Renee, Jay and me, or what happened to us on our summer vacation. Rather, THREE FALLEN WOMEN is a new book recommended to us by our great friend and supporter in Chicago, Leah Jones, whose other friend, Amy Guth, has just published. Leah speaks very highly of Amy, and since Leah also speaks very highly of us (or so she says), we're inclined to take this recommendation and run with it.

We're also inclined to run with a rec. of a book we haven't actually read, because look at how cute Amy's author photo is! Oh, and she's also been published in The Believer, Monkeybicycle, Hungry, Chicago?, Four Magazine, The Complete Meal and PerformInk Magazine. And if that weren't enough, she writes "Eleuthromaniac," a monthly socio-feminist column for Outcry Magazine, and despite the fact that I know not what eleuthromaniacs nor socio-feminists are, both scare me in that "I'm scared but am still willing/excited to touch it" sort of way. (Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.)

There's a ton of information about Amy (with more pics!)and her book on her website, which makes a great deal of sense to us. So help a fallen woman out (and yes, now I'm referring to me), and hop on over to her site, buy her book and tell all your friends about it!

Monday, September 11, 2006

5 Years Later

Peace be with you today. Cause we're back tomorrow.

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