Monday, March 13, 2006

Girls For Sale!

Dear NBC Universal,

Congratulations you big media company, you! A little bird just told me you recently purchased my bestest blogority sister, iVillage, for $600 million.

iVillage, the pink and puffy site dedicated to women! Amazing. Who knew? Now far be it from me to demean another girl trying to make good, but seriously NBC Universal, did you really I dunno, look at the site before you pulled out the credit card? Or did you just say, "what the heck, my husband isn't looking?" and buy it with the loose change at the bottom of your handbag?

See as soon as I heard of your purchase, I immediately did a little research to check out the competition (yes, we women do that, ugly but true -- though I'm guessing that's not something you're going to read about on iVill.) Sure, iVillage had 13.4 million unique visitors from the United States in February 2006 compared to SHAKING's 11 (3 of whom just might have been me, Renee and Jay), but the site's "you go, girl" content will no doubt set poor dead Betty Friedan spinning in her grave. (Not that anyone really cares about Poor Dead Betty, even though I think that would make for a pretty good band name.) Under the iVillage Banner: GET SMART! the site offers classes on "scrapbooking, photography, computers and more!" Just curious, what courses would be offered under the banner GET DUMB? One of the fun exercises you can do is examine photos of Renee Zellweger then "track the Oscar winner's fluctuating size from pin-thin to va-va-voluptuous. You decide which weight looks best!" Va-va-the-editor-who-wrote-that-should-be-force-fed-till-she-explodes.

Another feature on the site is a show with Dr. Bob Berkowitz that goes inside the male mind. I know what you're thinking, how can they do 22 minutes on this? Well, invariably what Dr. Bob does is he sets out a question like, "is sex on the first date a bad idea?" then he gets a few men on the street to give their opinions, then he goes back to the studio where a woman breaks it down and makes sense of the information. That's right, the girl is giving the final analysis of what's going on in a dude's mind. One of the burning questions answered was: Can he handle your success? If I were the girl expert, I would answer that question in 1 word: Ha!

Anyhoo, NBC Universal, it's not that I'm trying to give you buyer's remorse here. I'm totally happy that you bought the equivalent of Good Housekeeping/I can't believe this is my life, how did I become such a boring cliche? online. I'm just saying that maybe now that you have the woman who you consider the appropriate bride, maybe you'd like to consider dropping a few sheckles on slutty sister, SHAKING. I think I speak for my co-writers when I say we here at Chat with R&R would be more than happy to show you a good time. We're a bargain at half the price! Just leave the money on the night stand. I know you know where...

Much love,


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