Friday, February 10, 2006

Man Nibbles Dog

(DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this post are entirely those of the author Jay Dyckman--who still hasn't figured out how to post by himself--and do not necessarily represent those of the eminences Robin & Renee, especially not the one of us who works for CNN.)

I love There could be news of a nuclear attack, presidential assassination and a cure for cancer all released on the same day and CNN, god bless 'em, would still lead with a story about a cat who nurses puppies after the mother is hit by a car. [N.B. This is an actual headline posted today.] Frankly, the CNN website makes the National Enquirer look like the Economist. So, true to form, what was a recent headline of the (Anderson) Cooper News Network? "Kiss of life makes Boo Boo the chicken better." And the dek? "This chicken had lips, just not her own." I regret reading this at work as, in all honesty, I peed a little when I saw this.

For those of you who are too high-brow for these types of stories, here's the scoop: a retired nurse in Arakadelphia (?!), Arkansas administered mouth-to-beak CPR to a chicken found floating face down in the family's pond. According to Marian, the nurse, she was interested to see "if she still had it." Hmmm. When most people ask themselves this question, they slide on a pair of snug jeans and hit happy hour at P.J. O'Houlihan's. Not slip the tongue to their nearest livestock.

But, the story prompts an important question. Namely, would you? Take a long look at your beloved basset hound and truly confront the depths of your affection. Frankly, I'd give my pooch the Heimlich, maybe even floss its teeth. But a French kiss? That's a tough one. Everything would change. Could he still sleep in the bed? Would snuggling feel different? It's not as if I can tell him "I'll call you" and leave it at that.

Or who knows. Don't be surprised if you get an invite this spring to our commitment ceremony. We'll be registered at Tiffany's and Petco. I mean, it beats spending another Valentine's Day alone.


Blogger Robin said...

Oops, carefully with the pooch kissing there, Jay. According to a piece on Slate today, this whole kissing business as become veddy veddy dangerous:
Shut Your Mouth
The newest unsafe sex act: French kissing.
By William Saletan
Updated Friday, Feb. 10, 2006, at 8:07 AM ET

Promiscuous French kissing nearly quadruples your risk of spinal meningitis, at least if you're a teenager. The disease is "potentially life-threatening." The good news: A vaccine can block one version of the illness (but not others), and "there was also a lower infection rate among those who had attended a religious service." Reactions: 1) Happy Valentine's Day! 2) Let's see—genital contact is unsafe; kissing is unsafe; how about holding hands? Would that be too much to ask? 3) Does religion protect teens who French kiss multiple partners, or are those who go to church more likely to be lying about the multiple partners?

February 10, 2006 3:18 PM  

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