Okay, That Was Cool...

Man, did we have fun in Philly! TV appearances, adoring fans (Hi Mom!), and an excellent assortment of old friends came out to cheer us on. I knew the day was going to go well when Renee and I, operating on very little sleep, still managed not to get lost as we drove to the CN8 studio located somewhere beyond Bayshore Used Trucks in Delaware. Then, after the morning show make-up artist "gave us some color," (evidently under the TV lights I turned transparent) we had a great interview with the lovely anchor of "Your Morning on CN8," Connie Cola, who confirmed that Renee and I had both led very interesting lives and that our book was "very cute." (Okay, so maybe she hadn't read it, but she was a great interviewer, nonetheless.)

But for me, the best part of yesterday was when we got to the Barnes & Noble in Bryn Mawr and the friends and family members, neighbors and teachers that I'd grown up with came to the bookstore for the reading. My dad even sprinted home from Boston with a poorly-taped broken toe to get there. And wow, were they a great looking crowd! I'm not just saying that because I'm totally biased. They were all smiles and warm wishes and it was just amazingly cool. Even my 8th grade math teacher, Mr. Flaster, who used to call me one of his favorite slow students, came with his wife and daughter. No, I still can't solve for X, but it was incredible to see him.

I'm not saying one should only write a book so that one can do a reading in one's hometown, but I am saying it's definitely a highlight!

We are SO going to be on TV!

If you're like Renee and me, (and chances are, if you're reading this, you probably are Renee and me), you're not so good with the early morning rise'n'shine thing. But tomorrow morning, Ex-Ithacan Kaplan and I will be getting up at the crack of dawn so that we can be camera-ready and fabulous when we make our television debut on "Your Morning on CN8" in Philadelphia.

Yes, turn on those Tivos, those DVRs, those VCRs (and good luck programming that dinosaur, sucker) and set it for between 9-11 AM. Oh, we're going to put on quite a show for my hometown crowd! And then, with the wily one-two punch that we're famous for, we're going to wow 'em even more when we do a reading later that night at the Barnes and Noble in Bryn Mawr. I'm thinking it's well worth the trip to Philadelphia for our devoted fans... I'm just saying.

The Things We Didn't Do To Sell Our Book...

What we have not done to promote our book:

• Refuse to do publicity
• Refuse to be seen or heard by anyone
• Create pseudonyms so obviously false, it makes your mouth feel stupid to pronounce them
• Refuse even to speak with our editor and agent, except via untraceable satellite phone and a voice filter that distorts our voices to a computerized baritone (but that'd be kinda hot, huh?)

What Doubleday is doing to sell "The Traveler," a new science fiction title by a so-called John Twelve Hawks, which they are optimistically positioning as the next "Da Vinci Code":

• Allow Hawks to refuse to do publicity
• Allow Hawks to refuse to be seen or heard by anyone
• Create a pseudonym so obviously false, it makes your mouth feel stupid to pronounce it (why not, say, Sixteen Sparrows or Twenty-one Bluejays?)
• Allow Mr. Hawks to refuse even to speak with his editor and agent, except via untraceable satellite phone and a voice filter that distorts his voice

And given Mr. Twelve Hawks' low seven-figure advance for "The Traveler" and its two sequels, its planned publication in 18 countries, and its recent optioning by Universal, I'd say we were the idiots. Lesson learned: Get us some cone bras and wigs, a queer obsession with the nefarious forces that control the grid, and an agent who digs role-playing--and we'll get a film deal.

What we have done recently to sell our book:

We travelled upstate for a big bookstore event where, in all due objectivity, I can say we rocked the Borders house. I mean, there were far more filled seats than empty ones. What was my surprise when I saw Mrs. Freed, my 10th grade A.P. History teacher, discreetly slide into a back-row chair! She flashed her still-girlish smile behind her trifocals, and spoke in the same wispy soprano, and good god, I couldn't remember her friggin' name. It was especially touching to me that she came, because I had done extraordinarily well in her class, and then colossally bombed the A.P. exam, having not cracked the study guide once, literally not once. It was the defining trauma of my high school years, and I would still be grounded if my father had a choice--but Mrs. Freed obviously found a place in her heart to forgive me, because here she was!

And then the camera bulbs were flashing, and we felt a stir and heard more clicks, and for a second I thought I knew what it felt like to be Lindsay Lohan, and then I looked up and...it was Dr. Orcutt! My dentist! From 15 years ago! He gave me a big hug and a throaty chuckle, the same nightmarish guffaw that I will forever associate with flouride treatments, when this sadistic dentist--this faux family man, this borderline psychotic--would shove that white styrofoam mouthpiece down my throat, and tell me to clamp down and suffocate for 10 minutes while the chlorine-flavored goo ate away at my little teeth. It was good to see Dr. Orcutt, and so sweet of him to take pictures. Maybe I'll finally make the Famous Patients bulletin board.

And then there were all the Gym Ladies, my mom's friends from body sculpture and step class. Sweet of them to come, too. And my mom's best friend from work. And my mom's best gay friend. And my mom. She was there too, and it seemed like she liked the book, because she asked a bunch of questions.

So fuck Fourteen Cardinals and his queer sci-fi hermit crap. He will never get to experience the warm, moist love of the fans on the book tour.

Tigger and Piglet Dead; Pooh Sought For Questioning

In side by side obituaries in today's NYT, I learned that both the "Voice of Pooh's Tigger," and the "Voice of Pooh's Piglet," had died over the weekend. A sad day in Hundred Acre Wood, indeed. Sadder still, though, is that the actor, John Fiedler, was actually referred to as "Pooh's Piglet" in his obituary's headline. Could have been worse, he could have been "Love Boat's Gopher," but still...

But as a namesake of Pooh's pal, Christopher Robin, must admit I'd always felt an affinity for the stories of that hapless bear who'd consistently get his head caught in a jug of honey. (Although I related more to Pooh himself than to C. Robin.) Though try as I might to recall some of the adventures he'd had, I realized I couldn't remember a damn thing save for the head up the honey jar. Fortuntately, though, it was Google to the rescue! And for anyone else who's interested in reconnecting with a little Poohvia, this website will undoubtedly answer your questions. http://www.hundred-acre-woods.ws/faq/chapter3.htm

So rest in peace, Tigger and Piglet. I hope to see you again in that great honey jug in the sky.

Calling All R&R Groupies!

The Assets girls are taking their show on the road this weekend, bound for the Great Pyramid (Mall) in Ithaca, New York. We expect to be followed up the interstate by a caravan of groupies, and if you'd like to be part of our traveling circus, you are encouraged to come along!

Why, if you do, you'll then be able to say, "Duuude, I went on tour with Robin & Renee in the summer of '05 -- and it was freakin' mind-altering, man! So much better than following Phish! Yeah, cause these girls would make ample restroom pit stops and would check out any outlet mall they found along the way."

So if by hook or by crook you do find yourself in beautiful Upstate New York this weekend, and are looking for a literary, but not snooze-inducing event to attend, drop by the Borders in the Pyramid Mall on Saturday at 4 PM and marvel at how much love (and jug wine) we will shower on our fans.

Hope to see you there!

Famous in Ithaca!

I love Ithaca.
And ya know what? Ithaca loves us!

Please click on these links to two of the most respected, independent-minded, free-thinking, and powerful media outlets...in central New York. Both the Ithaca Journal and the Ithaca Times have spilled some very flattering ink on Epstein, Kaplan and the now-famous collaboration that has led to Shaking Her Assets.

http://theithacajournal.com/entertainment/culturalevents/index.html

http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?brd=1395&pag=460&dept_ID=216612

Share in the love and, hell, if you've got a car and full tank, you'll definitely want to swing by the Borders store at Pyramid Mall, in bucolic Ithaca this weekend, where R & R will be reading, signing, and basking in our fame. I'm sure my mom will invite you to dinner, and just because her cats hiss and run from you doesn't mean they don't like you.

They Should Have Confiscated His Tweezers...

Th-hers-day Styles in the NYT today chronicles another trend for the gay-vague set. They say that people are dressing down when they fly to avoid hassles in the security line. But in the large photo that accompanies the article, I'd bet this gentleman still has trouble getting through.


Put the tweezers down before someone else gets hurt, big guy 

BookCourt Hosts Our Assets!

Tonight, tonight, tonight (okay, I hope you just sang those words using the appropriate Phil Collins melody) the wonderful indie bookstore, BookCourt (163 Court St. at Dean Street), will be hosting a reading for us at 7 pm, and your presence is requested!

Maybe you're saying to yourself, "gee, I dunno, I was thinking of going to opening night of Herbie: Fully Loaded instead." Or maybe you're thinking, "Bookstores? They still have those things?" Or perhaps your passport has expired and you don't think you'll be allowed passage to Brooklyn.

Well, simply put, skip this event and you'll never forgive yourselves. NEVER. When your grandchildren ask you if you were there, you'll just have to shake your head and say no as they taunt you and make the decision to toss you into the low-cost home. "Grammy & Gramps won't care," they'll argue, "because having a good quality of life is unimportant to them." Is that what you want?

Okay, still not convinced that BOOKCOURT at 7 pm is the place you need to be tonight? Well, then in addition to the lure of seeing the hottest young writers to come down the pike since Paris & Tinkerbell, I have two more words to lure you, my tough little cookie: JUG WINE.

See you tonight. Where? BookCourt, 163 Court St. at Dean Street, 7 pm!

Alison Kent, Rock Star With Glasses

Holy Crap! After being beaten and left for dead in the New Mexico desert, Smithson Group agent Mick Savin tries to piece together his last few days. He remembers bits and pieces: gathering crucial intel. An ambush by Spectra thugs. And then…nothing, except waking up in some medical center in rural West Texas. His mission was top secret. So how did he end up here?

Good question, right?

Well, in order to find out, you're going to have to read Alison Kent's new taut, hot, suspense novel called LARGER THAN LIFE.

www.alisonkent.com 
Alison is one of the incredibly prolific and successful writers in the Girlfriends Cyber Circuit, and it's no mystery why... the woman can write. But no need to take our word for it, her reviews have been great. Listen to this:

"A larger-than-life hero and nonstop action keep the suspense high in Kent’s latest SG-5 adventure. A heart-wrenching secondary romance adds emotional intensity and depth to this compelling tale."
~ RT BOOKCLUB MAGAZINE

Check out her website, browse her bookshelf and oh, yes, BUY THE BOOK!

Will Fame Change Robin & Renee? One Can Only Hope!

Over the weekend Renee and I were on WCTC-AM's fabulous radio show, "Reality Parenting." What do you and Renee know about parenting beyond the phrase, "I said "no!", you ask? Absolutely nothing. Not one thing!

However, that was part of what made the show so great because the stellar hosts, Lisa and Jana, wanted to talk with us more about the idea of women re-inventing themselves than at what age you should stop letting your children sleep in your bed (Nope, not going with the Whacko-Jacko joke -- too easy -- so whack off). Anyway, Renee and I do know from reinvention, and we nattered on about its importance and how it has changed us for the better (yeah, yeah, we know, we're still works in progress.)

But, this week we're walking the talk even more. We're going to Brooklyn! We'll be doing a reading at Book Court on Wednesday night at 7 pm. You should come! Renee says Brooklyn really isn't all that far. She doesn't say what it's not that far from, but she promises it's a lovely place to visit and this book store, Book Court, is THE place to be. So be there, mmmkay?

Dennis and Noorullah's Excellent Adventure

Poor Dennis, looking so afflicted and put-upon, walked out of the courthouse yesterday grasping his lovely wife's hand and probably wondering why--WHY!??!--no one believed him when he said that he didn't steal any money from Tyco, he just made some accounting mistakes. "I was not thinking when I signed my tax return," said Dennis...and, I mean, really who does?

Yesterday, Dennis and his right-hand man were convicted on all but one of the 23 counts of grand larceny, conspiracy, falsifying business records and securities fraud against each of them. But who doesn't make mistakes? I make the mistake of never balancing my checkbook, not really knowing how, and feeling confident that it's all gonna be okay. Probably not unlike Dennis. I shoulda been on that jury, Big D.! I'd have held out for an acquittal! I wouldn't let you go to Attica for a little $430 million malfunction!

But we live in globalized world today, and if a jury of Dennis's jealous and clearly class-afflicted American peers don't see common sense when it's talkin' right at them, then surely someone else in the world will. Like, the Taliban. Turns out that another rather prominent personage came out guilty yesterday, too: Noorullah Zadran, a former envoy for Afghanistan's Taliban leadership pleaded guilty to cheating on his taxes and lying on a bank loan application. Noorullah admits he wrote on a loan application that his wife was working when she was unemployed to get a lower interest rate. But I'm sure it was an honest mistake--in fact, I'm sure that Noorullah was just acknowledging what so many American men don't: that women's work at home is just as real as men's work outside the home. The Taliban are known for their progressive views about women.

So look, Dennis, I'm betting the Taliban might also have progressive views about tax evasion (see Osama), larceny (see Osama), conspiracy (see Osama), and fraud (see Osama). So make a stink! Appeal! Call for a mistrial! And ask to have the case retried in Tora Bora. There's gotta be justice somewhere in the world.

Will I Burn In Hell for My Roast?

I've been asked to deliver a roast at a very good friend's wedding rehearsal dinner tonight and I'm a bit nervous about it. See that line between good-natured humor and offensive/grossly inappropriate snark is something that's been troubling me. So I ask the reader(s) of this blog (but not you, Mom, I know what you'd say) if you think this joke goes too far:

"How many of you know the incredibly sweet story of the way Justin proposed to Olivia? Well, briefly, it involved planning a surprise trip to Italy, presenting her with an heirloom engagement ring, and proposing to her at her childhood school. It was an unbelievable testament of his love to her. But Justin, fyi, in the past all a fella needed to do to get Olivia to say 'yes,' was to give her a cheap bottle of wine and a burrito."

Too rough? Please feel free to comment...

And truly heartfelt congratulations to my friends Olivia and Justin on their wedding this weekend! They are a gorgeous couple in every way, and I wish them an amazing life together.

The NYT is the New H/X!

How much gayer will the Thursday Styles section of the NYT get before it starts arriving at your doorstep bedazzled in rainbow colors? Seriously, I know men "need" to know about the various products they can purchase to anoint their bodies. I understand that it's important dudes be down with good grooming and in touch with their psychoanalyzed sensitive sides. But in today's cheeky ode to the Chelsea Boy, Locker Room Trysts Bedevil Health Clubs, did I really need to read about the "hand puppet" action taking place in the YMCA sauna?

Or does my head shaking disbelief that this article is considered "All the News that's Fit To Print," come from the fact that I'm merely jealous these men have found a way to maximize their work outs while a poor shlump like me is just dragging ass on a treadmill? Okay, in fairness, probably a little bit of both.

But two things in this article struck a chord with me in particular. 1. It was written by a woman yet she made no attempt to document what was going on in the female locker rooms, nor did she even mention the fact that women existed in this universe and 2. If I knew I could get action at the gym, I'd be going a lot more frequently.

Of Human Bondage

Today we point you to a great blog called The Black Table (www.blacktable.com). Why? Because a piece I wrote on the Hollywood Bail Bondsman appears in the lead position! Pretty cool, I have to say. And I'll be honest with the readers of this blog, I wrote that piece ages ago when I was still living in Hollywood, so it's even a bigger thrill to me that years later, the story has finally found a home outside my hard drive.
However, when you click on the link above (and please do!), here's what you'll find...

IF IT'S NOT LOVE, THEN IT'S THE BOND THAT WILL KEEP US TOGETHER.
--Rachel Epstein 06.15.05
When the phone rings at 4:30 a.m., Francisco Rodriguez knows he's going to jail. Dressing and jumping into his blue Corvette, the Hollywood Bail Bondsman usually heads west on Sunset Blvd. to the men's prison facility on Wilcox Ave. This morning, however, he's traveling to the jail in Van Nuys where female prisoners are held. Rodriguez's been told that if he doesn't get there quickly, his client will be moved to County. And County jail ain't the place you want to be at five in the morning, especially if you're a Playboy playmate. MORE

Do we notice anything unusual about this? Aside from the fact that it's a killer first graph, I mean, and whoever that REALLY JEWISH girl, Rachel Epstein, is, she's to be commended?

Well, uh, for ROBIN, the blonde-haired blue-eyed lass who actually wrote the piece, it came as a bit of a surprise that some Jewy chick was plagiarizing her work...

But I don't think this mistake was made with any malice. Lil screw ups like this are made all the time, in fact I've been known to call people by the wrong name even in this here blog--so I'm sure the good folks at The Black Table will put my Christian name on the piece just as soon as they can. But the whole thing did make me laugh. I mean seriously, you'd think that I, as a member of the group that controls the media, really would have been able to nip this in the bud sooner!

How to Run America

My sister-in-law's mom June, who lives in itsy-bitsy Lagrange, Georgia, in a lovely home with a chocolate lab named Fudge, and a two-car garage sheltering a pick-up truck and a silver Mercedes Benz, always says that there's nothing that won't work itself out if ya throw a little money at it. Not a lot--but enough to just quit the belly-aching and the hassle, pony up some cash, and just make things happen.

Now, I don't know how June votes, and it's none of my business, but she herself says she certainly is a little more socially conservative than the next person--she loves watching Sex in the City, for example, but she could do without the foul language. And, see, no matter how June does vote, she clearly understands what the most influential and politically savvy conservatives in Washington also understand: throw money at it.

The New York Times reports today that the Heritage Foundation, a conservative and powerful Washington think tank, hires 67 interns ever summer, pays them--generously--and houses them. In a dorm with a fitness room. They seek out the prominent young conservatives on campuses all over America and then they invite them to DC, and then they get them for 10-weeks to indoctrinate them. For half a million dollars a year, these conservatives understand they can buy direct access to the minds, morals and future influence of the kids who are gonna run the Hill in a few years.

Any liberal alternatives? Nyet. But you know what? I don't want no dirty conservative dollars. Problem is, plenty of kids in the thousands of campuses across America are probably much smarter than I am, and they sure do. They're smart these people, the conservatives.

If you haven't met...

Mindy Friddle yet, then a delicious surprise awaits you. This fellow GCC Tour author is an award-winning Southern novelist whose latest book, The Garden Angel, is just out in paperback--and here are just a few of the glowing reviews from some very big-deal sources.


 

"Mindy Friddle has a great comic touch, and her novel is a touching, heartfelt debut."
-Richard Russo, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Empire Falls

"Friddle has a way with the comic yet apt image...funny, down-to-earth and steeped in a sense of place."
-The Washington Post

"A comic delight....Winning characters and piquant wit, with an underpinning of graciousness: a standout."
-Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

Mindy herself is born-and-raised in South Carolina where the novel is set...here's the synopsis:
In Sans Souci, South Carolina, talk is cheap, real estate even more so. No one knows this better than Cutter Johanson, a gruff tomboy who waits tables, writes obits, and makes every effort, however comical and in the face of her mercenary relatives, to avert the sale of the dilapidated ancestral home. And despite her plucky resolve, all appears to be lost---until she strikes up an unlikely friendship with Elizabeth, a shy and fragile academic who puts both their fates on the mend.

Hear more about Mindy's own Sans Souci, South Carolina, upbringing at her website, , www.minyfriddle.comor hear from her directly at her blog, "Novel Thoughts", www.publishersmarketplace.com/members/friddmi.

The Review Is In!

No doubt you've just picked up the best new magazine ever, INSIDE TV, which, as far as I can tell is just about the most exciting thing to have happened to TV since the picture in picture function that I don't quite know how to use, but still think is very exciting. And now that you have your June 13-19th issue in hand, the one with the provocative and teasing headline: "What Brad didn't tell Diane," flip that baby open to page 90 and what do you see? Why it's MARILYN MANIZER on the cover of SHAKING HER ASSETS!

Yes, our book has been reviewed by a magazine dedicated to television! Pretty cool, eh? Kinda makes getting a review in a simple book pub like Publishers Weekly or Kirkus seem pretty insignificant.

Inside TV 

But speaking of reviews, the fab. new book by Mindy Friddle, THE GARDEN ANGEL, has been getting some amazing notices, and Renee will be blogging all about our Girlfriend Cybercircuit friend's stellar new novel a little later today.

HEEB storytelling

Looking for something to do this Shavuot? Scared you'll be left out of the celebration cause you haven't yet purchased your tree for planting in Israel? Well, heathens, good news for you! I've just been added to the bill at the HEEB Magazine storytelling event taking place at Joe's Pub this Sunday night.


The New Jew Review 
These events do tend to be very popular, so if you're planning to come, I actually would suggest making reservations. Here's the critical info taken from the HEEB site (www.heebmagazine.com)And no, my name ain't listed, but I'm confirmed. Or at least bat mitzvahed. Wow, gotta love that Jewish humor!

STORYTELLING (Manhattan)
Heeb Magazine’s critically-claimed storytelling series returns to the Public Theater’s fabulous cabaret lounge, Joe’s Pub. Part cabaret, part Catskills, the series pushes the very notion of a “Jewish story” to the brink. The theme for this night’s show will be “the written word.” It's Shavuot, so we figured it's the least we could fucking do.

The event will be hosted by Seth Herzog (VH1's Best Week Ever) and feature stories by Michelle Collins (votergasm.com), Ophira Eisenberg (Comedy Central’s Premium Blend), Joey Garfield (director of Breath Control: The History of the Human Beat Box) and Ben Greenman (New Yorker writer/editor and author of Superbad and Superworse), Sara Schaefer (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You), and Michael Showalter (Wet Hot American Summer, The Baxter, Stella, The State).

Reservations: Call the theater: (212) 539-8778 or buy tickets at Telecharge: (212) 239-6200; http://joespub.com ($15) 7:00 PM at Joe's Pub, next to the Public Theater, 425 Lafayette Street

What will this yente rant about? Well, you, bubbeleh, if you don't show up...

Casual Affair for 400...

"We just wanted everyone to think of it more as a backyard barbecue--except for 400 people and catered," said Emma Bloomberg, the elder daughter of our illustrious mayor, about her down-home wedding this Saturday.

Totally. Super-casu, just a picnic with, like, dignitaries--oh! and, right, the sushi's from Nobu and the, um, "barbecue" will be catered by Daniel Boulud, but it'll just be some real low-key tapas and ribs he'll throw together with leftovers. In fact you might wanna map out the closest White Castle for a pit stop on the way home. Because, honey, yellowtail and miso-marinated beef cheeks do not a real meal make.

On the way home? Yeah, cuz the "backyard" is the Mayor's 26-acre horse farm in Westchester. Emma would totally never have wanted a wedding at the Pierre, I mean, how stuffy. And, boys, it's strictly no black tie, and girls, you might wanna pass on the jeweled Christian Dior stiletto slides, because you'll be walking on grass, and while it is 26 acres of fertilized, mowed and manicured luxury, you'd better stick to flats and wedges. Cuz your heels will go sinky in the lawn. That's what Emma advises on her wedding website, www.emmaandchris.com.

Emma and Chris are writing their own vows, and Emma totally has no idea what Chris is going to say!!!!! It's like, when he proposed, she totally screamed: "No, Chris!"
"He went completely white," she said. "But it was so unexpected for me. Then of course I said yes and pretty much sat on the floor for half an hour in shock, which I don't think made him feel any more comfortable."
But she really wants everyone to be real comfortable at the wedding, so even though her gown is by Zac Posen--Vera's so done, you know?--don't go all dressing up and stuff.

And when it comes to the booze, feel free to bring your own Bud Light. You might wanna decant it though, in, say, a Big Mama thermal jug from Moss. It's $450, and when you empty it you can just leave it for the happy couple as their gift--it's from their registry.

My New Pet

At long last I've committed! For years I'd been scared off by friends who reminded me I was too irresponsible to have a pet. "You'll forget to feed it," they said. "You'll step on it, kill it, then feel guilty for at least ten minutes," they said. And for a long time, I believed them...

But I have to be honest, I was so inspired by the whole little dog craze of late that I just thought, I can't hold out any longer! I want to be that paragon of fashion! I want a purse pooch. Except I want mine even smaller than the mini Chihuahua, and I don't want to have to worry about walking it or feeding it. (My friends are right, I am irresponsible.) So I want something that will fend for itself.

And that's why I decided to go with a mouse. Truly, it's the perfect apartment pet. Now all I have to do is figure out how to play dead, and then I'll be all set...

Would you like me to seduce you?

...is what Anne Bancroft's sultry Mrs. Robinson asked Dustin Hoffman's Benjamin Braddock in The Graduate, and they are possibly the sexiest words ever uttered by an actress on film. And not just any actress, but one who was closer to 40 than 20 at the time. She became the torrid, raspy-voiced symbol for a kind of voluptuous sensuality that made me want to have twenty years of experience behind me instantly, so that I could be just as imperious and single-minded in my own pursuit of pleasure. With those very mod streaks of grey in her hair, her low alto whisper, and an incredibly stylish indifference to convention, Bancroft made of a Mrs. Robinson a model of sexy that I will never forget.

Anne Bancroft, Stage and Film Star in Voracious and Vulnerable Roles, Dies at 73
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/07/movies/07cnd-bancroft.html?

Princeton Secrets for Sale

Did you hear we wrote a book?

And so have a few other Princeton alums--who've also sold books and edited books. And tonight we're getting together to tell the yearning masses--well, the masses who went to Princeton--exactly how the whole dog-eat-man-eat-dog-eat-cat world of publishing really works. So please do come and heckle us.

The Princeton Association of New York City is sponsoring a panel on How to Get Published, tonight at 7pm at the Greenwich Village bar Junno's, 64 Downing Street. Robin and I will be joining Dave Itzkoff '98, author of the memoir LADS, Stephanie Kip Rostan '95, an agent, and book editor Anthony Wahl '93.

My thought is that if you didn't go to Princeton, well, unless you have, say, Bob Jones University tatooed on your forehead, nobody will know. So please come, too. Here's the clincher: Junno's has free pretzels.

You calling me a slut? I've got some choice words for you, Sittenfeld...

As I read Curtis Sittenfeld's review of Melissa Bank's new novel, THE WONDER SPOT, in this week's NYTBR, steam began pouring out of my "slutty" nostrils and probably some of my other orifices as well... Sittenfeld, or, as I shall hereby refer to her, the Gender Traitor, writes in her opening graph:

To suggest that another woman's ostensibly literary novel is chik lit feels catty, not unlike calling another woman a slut -- doesn't the term basically bring down all of us?

The resounding answer to that, is "No, bitch, it doesn't. But what does is the pretentious musings of an "ostensibly literary writer."

In Sittenfeld's last graph, she says:

Undeniably, there were times when I laughed or winced in recognition as I read; I understood exactly what Sophie meant, and that's when I liked the book best. But this, ultimately, is the reason I know "The Wonder Spot" is chick lit: because its appeal relies so much on how closely readers relate to its protagonist. Good novels allow us to feel what characters feel, no matter how dissimilar their circumstances and ours.

I think that's pretty rich coming from a woman who just wrote a book about the experiences of an "outsider" who attends a prep school who was an "outsider" who attended a prep school.

But I also take issue with the content of the quote. As a lifelong admirer of the work of Philip Roth, I can honestly say that I've never shared the feelings of his protagonists and yet I'm thinking the "literary" Ms. Sittenfeld might think twice before referring to his oeuvre as "Dick Lit."

Run, Bride, Run!

Yeah, I know making false statements to the police is a crime (a lesson I learned in high school after uttering the phrase, "I swear Officer, I had no idea there was beer at this party!"), but was it really necessary to charge Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, with a felony?

I'm happy to report the bride-not-to-be was only sentenced to probation, but after the public flogging that poor 32-year-old woman received, wasn't that enough? Come to think of it, wasn't being forever associated with that asinine Julia Roberts movie punishment enough?

And call me cynical, but I don't really think the fact that her fiance is still hanging around after all this speaks too well for his sanity, either. Maybe the girl was right to run...

When Children Attack

...is going to be the title of my new reality show. As I soon embark on new adventures, explore other options, spend more time with my family, write my memoirs, and panhandle, I've also decided to create a television show that'll lower the viewer bar one more notch--BAM!

Because what do you do when children attack? In the past week alone, a 9-year-old girl in New York fatally stabbed her 11-year-old playmate with a butcher knife...in Florida a 7-year-old boy beat his baby sister to death with his fists, feet and a two-by-four, because he was jealous of the attention she got and she wouldn't stop crying...and In England, three girls and two boys, all ages 11 and 12, were arrested on charges of attempted murder after trying to hang a 5-year-old. Well, I say exploit it!

I mean, aren't you sick and tired of sad fat average Joes, and pathetic bachelorettes with their trembling lips and their fake tits? Haven't you had enough of watching the primal baseness and all-consuming greed of adults in pursuit of a million dollars? Well how about the primal baseness of inexplicably, revoltingly violent children? That'll bring in the ratings! Nobody in the 18 to 39 demographic will be able to resist the delicious taboo of kids who kill kids. This'll be like "Cops" meets Electric Company and then goes to juvie.

That is gonna be good TV.

The Bitch Is Back...

Okay, yesterday was all about the Girlfriend love, so today, I think it's necessary to swing the pendulum back and play the "hater" for a little while...

Tell me the NYTimes photo-editor was not making an editorial comment when (s)he ran this uh, less than flattering picture next to the story on the self-proclaimed "Miami Bombshells"

Bombshell from Hell 

The thumbnail doesn't quite do justice to the photo, so if you have access to the Thursday Styles Section, check it out on p.G6. Then close your mouth after you've gaped in horror, for sweetheart, the last thing you want to do is wind up the mirror image of these "feisty" chicas.

Enchanted, Inc.

As new members of the Girlfriends Cyber Circuit, a group of women writers who harness the power of the blog for purposes of good and evil, Renee and I have been introduced to a whole new community of cool folks with fantastic books. Since we've learned from repeatedly checking our Amazon rankings that there are literally HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of books out there, joining up with the GCC is a great way to find out about excellent new books and spreading the word about them so they won't languish in the, ooh, 454,000something range...

Anyway, fellow GCC'er Shanna Swendson (www.shannaswendson.com)has just come out with a book called ENCHANTED, INC. that you should definitely check out. Melissa De La Cruz, author of "The Fashionista Files," calls it "A totally captivating, hilarious and clever look on the magical kingdom of
Manhattan, where kissing frogs has never been this fun." And as someone who has kissed beaucoup de frogs on this fair Isle, I have to say, I'm thrilled someone has found a way to make it fun...

The book is a story about a 20something Texas to Manhattan transplant, Katie, who feels horrendously average when she lands in this strange new place. However, Katie quickly learns that there's magic in this here town, and is befriended by a group of Manhattan fairies (not the kind that live in my neighborhood, either). It's a fun read that will definitely appeal to all Buffy lovers out there. So if you're looking for a great new read now that you've finished SHAKING HER ASSETS, check out ENCHANTED, INC.