Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Bad!

Dear Investors,

As CEO of Amaranth Advisers, it falls to me to pass along some news. Happily, my youngest, Trip, began his Senior year at Choate without incident -- fingers crossed he'll be Harvard's problem next year! Judy and I celebrated our second anniversary in Mustique, and since she's 21 now, we were even allowed to celebrate with some champagne! And our hedge fund lost $3 billion.

This might be a bit of a shock to those of you who attended last week's investors meeting at the Four Seasons with COO, Charles Winkler, where he assured you that the fund was actually up 25% for the year. But, in fairness to Charlie, that was before a few nervous nellies started dumping large stakes in convertible bonds (whereas those fellas usually just dump large steaks in convertible blondes -- Hi-yo!)

Over the past few years there have been rumblings that hedge funds like ours, you know, the secret, unregulated kind, could create "widespread financial disruptions," but our philosophy has always been "we're too rich to care what peasants think." And some may say that in 2004, when we protested an SEC ruling to register with federal regulators, saying, "Amaranth does not 'operate in the shadows' outside regulatory scrutiny," we were lying in a BIG, big way, that we're now being hoisted by our own petard, that this is karmic payback for standing on the shoulders of working Americans (in our golf spikes) and laughing as we danced a jig.

Well, all I have to say is fret not! Remember the consequences for those involved with Long Term Capital a few years ago? I know, me neither! Talk about Short Term Memory. I mean, yes, right now you're thinking, "I'm out $3 billion." And all I can say to that is "oopsie." But don't you worry, we'll find someone to blame for this... and just a guess, he'll be a registered Democrat! Those people are always trying to take the money out of our fur-lined pockets, aren't they?

Feel better? I'm glad. Anyway, we'll catch up at the club at some point soon, I'm sure. If you need to reach me in the next few weeks, I'll be between banks in the Caymans, Switzerland and Dubai.

Thurston McEatthepoor III


Anonymous Anonymous said...

it was natural gas futures, not convertible bonds

September 19, 2006 6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Large steaks.

September 19, 2006 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shoelover has a new gals rawk


September 19, 2006 8:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"anonymous"...Next to nobody knew it was nat gas futures...but thanks for letting us know that as a 'huge loser' yourself, you actually paid attention.

September 19, 2006 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wat's wrong with you guys? It was pork bellies not gas futures, and not coverts. The best blondes are in pork bellies ( or is itthe other way?). See that Iranian chic who is touristing outer space? Dig it? Ain't she one of us? like say LTCM or SAC types? Anybody know how to blow up a little less dope on gas futures?

September 19, 2006 11:48 PM  
Blogger Jenspresso said...

Ha! Thurston McEatthepoor! I adore it!


September 20, 2006 12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

everybody knows it was natural gas futures.

September 20, 2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Well, kiddies, turns out no one here is wrong. The fund started losing money because of the downturn in natural gas, but, according to the New York Times, later in the week "the fund's traders began dumping large sstakes in convertible bonds and high-yield corporate debt."

Wow, I feel like Nicole Kidman in "The Peacemaker" but with far less botchulism toxin running through my face!

September 20, 2006 9:36 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Thanks, Don! As always, your words mean a great deal to me since as you continue to prove, you know best.

September 20, 2006 12:38 PM  
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