Wednesday, February 21, 2007

His Cheating Heart

You've been asking about Jay. Wondering where he's been. If we had some sort of falling out or brutal melee. You were curious if I went all Norman Mailer on his ass. Maybe you even secretly suspected I made him flee to France, just like Renee.

Well, children, I hate to tell you this, but it turns out that the reason Jay's been slacking on this site (aside from his well-documented laziness), is because he's been having an affair with another website. A Brooklyn-based website! An older website at that. I know, it's like, "kill me now!"

Check out the evidence for yourself if you don't believe me:
Is Chris Dodd White Enough?

Honestly, my mother always told me never to trust a man in an Elmo birthday hat and tight-fitting Abercrombie T. I should have listened before I let it get this far. Well, we'll see if he tries to work his way back into our hearts in the days to come. I'm not sure I can trust him anymore... but salty snacks and flowers could go a long way, that's all I'm saying. (Did you hear that, Jay? Salty snacks and flowers...)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Nothing Says I Love You...

Sadly, Tonya and Jim were not engaged in romantic role-play.

Happy VD, everyone, from our cold, cold hearts to yours!

Monday, February 12, 2007

I See Naked People

I arrived home yesterday and found this note taped to the outer door of my apartment building:

Dear Tenants:

Your neighbors respectfully request that the relatively new residents (who display a menorah in their north facing window) use a curtain in the evenings for their living room. It will help protect all of our privacy. Thank you.

In a city like New York, a city where seeing neighbors in various states of undress is as common and expected as seeing the sun come up each morning, you know people aren't inspired to write a letter like that unless they've seen some serious shit go down--multiple times.

Now sadly I must confess that I'm neither a new resident to my building, nor do I have a menorah in my window, so I know the letter writer is not talking to me (nor, evidently, has s/he been particularly impressed by the goings on in my living room.)

But the question remains, what must this letter writer have glimpsed... repeatedly? Not only am I morbidly curious to learn the details, I'm also somewhat proud. As a member of the menorah minority, I now have epistolatory confirmation that there are at least two (or three?) kinky heebs out there who are getting some hot and noteworthy action. All I can say is "mazel tov, kids!" You are living a living testament to our "be fruitful and multiply" mandate.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Denial Ain't Just a River...

I am completely content that on official documents I’m classified: “spinster.”
I am completely satisfied with the size of my apartment.
I am completely comfortable with my diminished bank account.
I am completely certain we have a genius in the White House.
I am completely ecstatic that when I tell people I’m a writer, they say, “Oh, that’s so cute, but how do you earn a living?”
I am completely happy about the zit on my chin.
I am completely at ease with my failing eyesight.
I am completely over being mocked as a teen.
I am completely good with the size of my rack.
I am completely in favor of this bitter cold weather.
And Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


Apologies for not posting to the blog this week, we got a bit detained...

Los Angeles Police arrested a man dressed as Chewbacca on Thursday. His crime: Head-butting a tour guide on the Hollywood Walk of Fame "who told the character he shouldn't be asking a tourist for money," reports KABC-TV... The isn't the first time there's been an incident like this. Back in October '05, two gentlemen dressed as Elmo and Mr. Incredible were jailed for harassing tourists. And Chewie apparently had himself a bit of a temper.

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