Friday, July 07, 2006

Kenny Boy Grants Himself Early Parole

Admit it, something smells funny about Ken Lay’s sudden departure from this mortal coil. Not exactly known as a model of courage or integrity, Lay’s “passing” has all the earmarks of a Valley of the Dolls exit strategy. He drops two months before he is sentenced to the rest of his life in prison? Someone call the CSI kids, we got a mystery to solve.

Now, I don’t come here to bid “good riddance” to Kenny Boy or invoke the obvious karmic consequences of what happens when one cheats thousands of elderly out of their life savings and pensions. No, I’ll leave that for Lou Dobbs and the other pundits. What I am here to do, is raise an arsenic-laced martini in Elmer “Enron” Fudd’s honor and say “Amen, brother, I’d have done the same.”

I mean, think about it. Prison. Among my many recurring nightmares, prison ranks a solid third, only slightly behind snakes but still way behind moving back into my parent’s house. Now, the specter of prison doesn’t keep me up at night because I engage in a lot of criminal activities. No, prison keeps me up at night because, like the genesis of most fears, I watch A LOT of movies and television shows about prison. Oz, Prison Break, Tango and Cash (it’s been on HBO a lot recently), Lock Up (Stallone really made a career out of this genre), Shawshank Redemption, American History X, etc. And from these shows I’ve come to a conclusion: prison is not for me.

The rules I’ve gleaned from my vast screen research tell me that in prison I’m getting gang raped early and often, I’m joining a gang most likely based on ethnicity as opposed to shared interests, my Ivy League background is shown little to no respect, and I’m unsuccessful in starting the prison water polo team. So prison and I probably aren’t the best match. Now, I’d like to think that I make more or less decent life decisions that would keep prison somewhat out of the picture, but, even if I didn’t, even if I did actually push the guy playing the steel drum on the 42nd street A/C/E platform onto the subway tracks because he was REALLY annoying and everyone else totally thought so too, I still think I’d take a cue from Kenny Boy and take the easy way out.

So here’s to you Ken Lay. Maybe the smartest move you’ve made in years.


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