Security Advisory System Goes Bananas!
Remember the color-coded security levels from right after 9/11?
Remember how sometimes when you woke up it was an Orange Alert Day! or a Red Alert Day! Other mornings it was just a Blue day ("guarded risk"), but it was never just a friendly Green ("low-risk") day. Some mornings you were suddenly at super-severe risk of a terrorist attack on who the fuck knew where or from whom--but be careful, people, evil terrorists lurk everywhere and they want to rob you of your democracy, freedom, prosperity and happiness, cuz they don't have any and they're jealous.
So you were supposed to...well, there was nothing you could do. Nothing except worry, see your shrink more, call the ex-BFF you dropped and make peace in case the sky was falling. Nothing except venture forth into the yellow ("elevated risk") danger of the world's new terrorist threat. Then the administration realized elections were coming up and that it was stupid to get everyone all worked up. So they just started tapping phones, secretly gathering private bank data, and making the FBI an institution you felt you could trust with your security.
But there's good news today, just in from one of our closely-supervised West coast ports (possibly administered by well-educated executives in Yemen or Quatar): We now know the source of the terrorist threats!
You don't have to worry about anthrax, sarin gas, bombs in the subway, or terrorists on planes. Just don't eat the bananas from Guatemala!
This news, hot off the wires just a few hours ago:
PORT HUENEME — The Port of Hueneme in Ventura County was closed off this afternoon while authorities investigated a possible terrorist threat on a cargo ship, a port official said.The action came just before noon after a dockworker discovered a possible threat written in the cargo hold of a ship carrying bananas from Guatemala, said Will Berg, the port's marketing director. Berg said the message read: "This nitro is for you Mr. George W. Bush and your Jewish cronies."
So for those of you who are neither George Bush, nor Jewish, consider it a Green day. As for the rest of you--that means you, Robin and Jay--you better fucking run untess you have anti-nitro Jewish superpowers.