Friday, May 26, 2006

The People's Republic of Brangelina

As the world (or, possibly, the entire universe) eagerly awaits the birth of our twenty-first century messiah, also known as the spawn of Brangelina, the uber-couble have thrown a wrench in the usually well-oiled machine that is the tabloids. Demonstrating a cunning that most would not associate with the photogenic Pitt or Jolie, the couple has sought refuge from the shutterbugs by actually taking over an African nation. Think of it as the new Imperialism. It’s the new British Empire, but with American accents and better teeth!

Yes, eschewing the best hospitals LA (or Scientology) has to offer, the couple has more or less colonized Namibia while they await the latest infant addition to Hollywood’s A-list. Now running off to some remote location to escape the paparazzi is, of course, not entirely original. And their African adventure wouldn’t be all that remarkable except for the fact that the people of Namibia appear to have elevated the couple’s status to somewhere slightly below deity. Yes, the Pitt-Jolies have Namibia eating out of their well-manicured hands. To wit: any foreign journalist that wants to cover the birth (and by “cover” I mean slither through a hospital air duct to get grainy shots of the tip of the newborn’s head while swaddled in blankets) has to get written permission from the Pitt-Jolies to even enter the country. Now that’s clout.

Even better? An informal poll by a Namibian radio station found that listeners were evenly split on whether a national holiday should be declared on the date the Most Beautiful Baby In The History Of Mankind is born. Let’s get some context here – it took 15 years to create the federal Martin Luther King, Jr. day. (But, really, what he did do compared to the unborn child of People magazine’s annual Sexiest People alive?)

Well, you know how these things go. If one A-lister has something then they all have to have it. (I’ll be damned if Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are going to sit idly by while Brangelina are worshipped daily by all of Namibia. They have feelings, too, people.) So get those travel brochures ready, nations of Africa. Opportunity’s knocking. I’m looking at you, Cameroon. Dust off the red carpet and start putting that power-point presentation together now. You want to be ready if Tom and Katie (Kate, I meant Kate! Dammit. An honest mistake. Don’t sue, Tom) decide to give Suri a brother.

(And check out a new piece by yours truly at The Morning News. It's Brangelina's favorite site.


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