Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Bill 'n' Hill

It was with great delectation that I read today's New York Times story--a front page, top of the fold story, no less!--about the always fascinating thing that the Clintons' call their marriage. For years I've wondered--intrigued, envious--what could hold together a relationship that had survived: countless skanks, living in Arkansas, pathetic headbands, more penis control issues, abrasive perosnality control issues, excessive golfing, serious humiliation, serious standing-by-your-man, serious rationalizing-slash-lying to Senate and House committee panels, a daughter, a daughter's awkward phase, fading semen stains, bad calves, improving hair, a big book deal, a less big book deal, some bypass surgery, still fucking golfing all the time, a severely premature presidential run, and a really embarassing portrait.

Well, the Times today--plunging into Star-worthy celebu-voyeurism that's as a delicious as the story itself--gives us the exact formula. So forget couples therapy, quit trying have a talk with him because you know he hates that shit, and follow these simple steps:

  1. Spend about 14 days a month together, neither less, and definitely no more. Try to do this in the privacy of either a suburban New York mansion, or a Georgetown mansion. Always with a dog.
  2. In February, spend only one day together, ideally Valentine's day, because remember that this is not about being together, it's about getting the most mileage for everyone out of seeming like we're together.
  3. In August, however, spend 24 out of the 31 days together.
  4. Keep your friends on retainer and provide them with the scripts of Old Married Couple stories to leak to the media: stories of you two gardening, playing Scrabble, dining out at Le Cirque.
  5. Use all significant holidays to make predictable appearances. To wit: wandering through the near-empty Chappaqua Village market on Christmas eve. Holding hands.
  6. Write your memoirs. Disclose that you have sought out couples counseling. Feel free to follow through and do it, if you'd like.
  7. Have your spokespeople release, as frequently as possible, your schedules where there is official Spending Time Alone time scheduled for you guys.
  8. Buy her a new diamond ring.
  9. Wear the new diamond ring. Tell people he bought it for you. Beam. make it look like you mean it--it's bling, it's pretty, it shouldn't be too hard.
  10. In public, frequently say how you wish you could spend more time together.
  11. Exchange forehead kisses while on stage. Always.


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