Friday, May 05, 2006

The A.P. Just Passed You A Note In Homeroom

Like most busy worker bees, I periodically check out the Internet during the day to keep abreast of recent events and important breaking news. (And by periodically I mean about every 3-4 minutes). And who better to provide these updates than our good friends at the Associated Press. Peace is close in Darfur? Excellent. Thanks for the tip, A.P. Bush sets new low in approval ratings? Hmmm. Good to know, let’s see how that plays out in November. Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos have split up? Gosh, didn’t see that comin….

Wait. What?

Paris Hilton dumping someone is “breaking news” for the A.P.? Next to stock market reports and Enron trial updates is the demise of celebuskank Hilton’s latest quest for love? Huh? Now don’t get me wrong. The break-up of PaSta (it’s rough, I know, but not a lot to work with there) certainly has its place in People, TeenPeople, Us, Star, Page Six, Cat Fancy and just about every other magazine currently in circulation. These magazines dutifully replicate the world of junior high school, delivering us back to that apex of awkwardness with their slavish devotion to all things unimportant. “Stars – They’re Just Like Us!” might as well be “The Popular Kids – They’re Just Like You!” (or so mom kept telling me). Basically, these magazines are just one big denim binder. (Too obscure? Remember in junior high when you would write the names of current couples on your denim binder, possibly with a heart drawn around them, only to eventually draw a huge X over it after the messy break-up? Everyone else did this too, right? Hello?)

Well, that’s basically what the A.P. is doing. They’ve scratched out Paris + Stavros on the front page of the New York Times. You’re supposed to be above that, A.P. So screw you. (But totally still invite me to your end-of-the-school-year pool party.)

(Also, on another note, a big happy birthday to my niece who turns five this weekend. She recently visited her uncle and left a path of destruction a mile wide. I look forward to her next visit when she turns 17).


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