Naomi Still Searching For Her Happy Place
Apparently America’s Next Scariest Past-Her-Prime Model didn’t hug it out sufficiently on last month’s very special “Tyra” show, and still harbors some rage issues. As has been widely reported, Naomi Campbell went all Russell Crowe on (one of) her housekeepers, throwing a Swarvoski-crystal encrusted (does that just mean bedazzled?) Blackberry at the 42-year-old woman’s head. And, as those who have closely followed the Campbell Chronicles, this is hardly her first offense.
Now, two things on this. First, of course, best wishes on a full recovery to the housekeeper. And when you do recover, sue! Sue like the wind! I mean, if you work for Naomi Campbell, at some point you just know you’re taking one to the head. Be it a Jimmy Choo, a Berkin or the notorious Blackberry, you will get nailed eventually. Make peace with that, and plan accordingly. Try to stay alert and absorb the blow in the most defensive-manner possible. Frankly, it isn’t Schwarzenegger taking aim at you. How much velocity could a woman who has made a living flaunting pipe cleaners for arms really muster? (Of course, this analysis doesn’t account for telecommunication device-hurling performance enhancers such as coke, percocet or red bull). Knowing this up front, you will probably sustain only a minor flesh wound but also a major pay day.
Second, I have a theory. It’s the curse of “Freedom.” Yes, yes, you remember. The George Michael video that put these uber-skanks on the map. As any cultural critic worth his or her salt will tell you, George’s little Freedom-fest, featuring the reigning runway divas of 1990, launched these demonic vamps into the stratosphere of cultural consciousness. (And for that, he owes a debt to society that can never be fully repaid.) But, alas, Freedom has a price. Let’s review the facts:
George Michael – arrested in a London restroom cruising an undercover cop.
Christy Turlington – has promoted several yoga cults in her book “Living Yoga” that allegedly have a history of sexual abuse. (Yoga cults, Christy? What, scientology isn’t good enough for you?)
Linda Evangelista - unknown, but surely involved in some form of human trafficking.
Naomi – see above (and duck and cover).
So watch your back, Cindy. It’s coming. And it won’t be pretty.