Thursday, January 19, 2006

Laura Bush, Will You Adopt Me?

It was a momentous inauguration this week: the first woman president in all of Africa was elected a few months ago in Liberia, and on Tuesday she was ceremonially ushered into power. Not only is that huge for the continent of Africa, which has never seen a female head of state, it's also huge for the world, where we can still count the women presidents on one hand. And there are 192 countries in the world.

So it seems honorable and fitting that the first lady of the most powerful country in the world should be in attendance. I cheer Laura Bush and Condi for being there, pressing flesh, smiling, honoring women, the whole deal. Less honorable and fitting is that Laura turned up with her daughter Barbara.

I know Barbara went to Yale, but whatever--so did her father and look at him: his idea of fun is clearing brush, his idea of a best friend is Karl Rove, and his idea of trustworthy is Dick Cheney. Total idiot. You just know that as the diplomatic red carpets of the world are being rolled out for her, she's still wondering in which damn LES bar she left her fake ID. The cultural opportunity is totally wasted on her and, worst of all, she totally can't dress the part. Does "Inauguration in Poorest Country in Africa" say "Ass-tight Sleeveless Shift That Crushes My Breasts to Pancakes" to you?? Sweetie, inappropriate and unflattering. Try some padding, it works wonders and once the bra is off men don't even realize it wasn't you. Does "Momentous Moment in Global Feminism" say "Jimmy Choo Heels With Porn Star Ankle Straps"? Well, maybe. Maybe for P. Diddy's lawn party in the Hamptons.

See, Laura, you should have taken me to Africa. I went to Princeton. I know better. I have no breasts, and I would never ever crush them without good reason, and an inauguration is not a good reason. I would never leave my ID in a bar--just my credit card. And I would never ever flirt with a diplomat like Barbara here, I would ask him how much for the leftover stockpile of Bulgarian Kalishnikovs that the rebels won't be needing guns anymore now that there's democracy.

So, laura, whadya say, would you like to welcome Renée Bush into the family?


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January 19, 2006 3:02 PM  
Anonymous Houstonian said...

I'm sure there's a way to marry into the Bush family . . .

January 20, 2006 2:23 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Does it involve drunken carousing, cocaine abuse and a love of The Very Hungry Caterpillar? Cause if so, count me in!

January 20, 2006 9:06 AM  
Anonymous Houstonian said...

Keep typing like that Robin and you're sure to soon receive a DOJ subpoena.

January 20, 2006 5:30 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

No kidding, I think I'm already being wiretapped. Well that, or I just have a really poor phone line.

January 23, 2006 12:41 AM  
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