Jack Gives Back
Even as Jack Abramoff comes out with the first best guilty plea of 2006, with the delectable potential to humiliate and/or ruin the careers of up to twelve illustrious, golf-enthusiast lawmakers, I'd like to make a plea for leniency for Jack. Sure, put him up there on the stand, get the salacious details, make him play the grovelling stooge. But don't make him do any time.
Because, see, he's already giving back. Suddenly--one fraction of a nano-second after Jack came storming out of the courthouse yesterday in his gangster get-up--all of Capitol Hill started disgorging money! Hundreds of thousands of dollars suddenly leaping from Republican coffers into the empty purses of needy charities! It's raining money, and where's it all coming from?
Jack, of course! His bounty knew no measure--and it really shouldn't have since he earned $750 of bounty an hour--and now all the contribution-happy Republicans who enjoyed steaks at Jack's place and teed off in Scotland are tripping over themsleves to give all of Jack's money away. It's like a Hanukka miracle! Rep. Dennis Hastert is donating to charity $69,000 of Jack's campaign contributions...President Bush's re-election campaign will give the American Heart Association thousands of dollars in Jack's campaign contributions...Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay also will give Jack's contributions--at least $57,000--to charities. Not even 24 hours into the big smoke-out and already Jack has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the poor and the needy.
Now why would you put a good man like that in jail?