Unfulfilled Wish List
There are still a bunch more nights of Hannukah left, so I shan't despair yet as I have heard that the wisdom and generosity of God is great and that he moves in mysterious ways and stuff, but there are a few gifts I would have loved to receive this holiday season, that I just may have to continue waiting for. So, forthwith, my list of not unreasonable, still unrequited wishes:
1) A wife. You know, someone to make sure the bathroom sink's always clean, to pick up packages from the post office, to return the crap vacuum cleaner to Best Buy, to drop off the old clothes at Salvation Army, to file last month's bank statements, to deposit the checks, and to make sure I undress before I go to sleep even if I'm really really drunk and really really tired.
2) A 50% increase in my annual income. No more, no less. I'm not greedy, people.
3) Sex on demand. Nothing craaaazy, people.
4) More MoneyPowerStatus.
5) Scarlett Johanssen's epic breasts. And I want them to look like hers--pillowy, natural. No gourd shit.
Meanwhile, I would like to thank my mom for her check, my father for is tasteless re-gift of those awful salt and pepper shakers he got as a wedding gift, Marlorie for the obscene chocolate-cranberry truffles, and the girl at work for the candy bowl that just keeps on giving.