Everything You Need to Know About Turkey I'm Gonna Tell You

That thing under its chin--the red jiggly part--is cool.

Butterball has a Turkey Talk-Line. That's funny. Except that 55,000 people actually called last year, presumably to talk about turkey.

"Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, how can we help you?" is how they answer the phone (although you could select the Spanish option, para informacion su como preparar su pavo). They don't ask how they can help me "with my turkey"--it's just "how can we help you?" which strikes me as a dangerously broad question coming from the turkey line. They could clean my bathroom for example. That would help me a lot.

One of the most frequently asked turkey questions is "where does the meat thermometer go?" which seems like a silly question to me, because obviously it goes in the turkey ass.

Another frequently asked question is "how do I know when the turkey is done?" which also strikes me as silly, because obviously the turkey is done when it bangs on the oven and tells you how fucking hot it is in there.

• That's everything you need to know about turkey.