SHAKING blog

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Dennis and Noorullah's Excellent Adventure

Poor Dennis, looking so afflicted and put-upon, walked out of the courthouse yesterday grasping his lovely wife's hand and probably wondering why--WHY!??!--no one believed him when he said that he didn't steal any money from Tyco, he just made some accounting mistakes. "I was not thinking when I signed my tax return," said Dennis...and, I mean, really who does?

Yesterday, Dennis and his right-hand man were convicted on all but one of the 23 counts of grand larceny, conspiracy, falsifying business records and securities fraud against each of them. But who doesn't make mistakes? I make the mistake of never balancing my checkbook, not really knowing how, and feeling confident that it's all gonna be okay. Probably not unlike Dennis. I shoulda been on that jury, Big D.! I'd have held out for an acquittal! I wouldn't let you go to Attica for a little $430 million malfunction!

But we live in globalized world today, and if a jury of Dennis's jealous and clearly class-afflicted American peers don't see common sense when it's talkin' right at them, then surely someone else in the world will. Like, the Taliban. Turns out that another rather prominent personage came out guilty yesterday, too: Noorullah Zadran, a former envoy for Afghanistan's Taliban leadership pleaded guilty to cheating on his taxes and lying on a bank loan application. Noorullah admits he wrote on a loan application that his wife was working when she was unemployed to get a lower interest rate. But I'm sure it was an honest mistake--in fact, I'm sure that Noorullah was just acknowledging what so many American men don't: that women's work at home is just as real as men's work outside the home. The Taliban are known for their progressive views about women.

So look, Dennis, I'm betting the Taliban might also have progressive views about tax evasion (see Osama), larceny (see Osama), conspiracy (see Osama), and fraud (see Osama). So make a stink! Appeal! Call for a mistrial! And ask to have the case retried in Tora Bora. There's gotta be justice somewhere in the world.

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