Monday, May 16, 2005

Star Wars: Episode Who Frigging Cares

I wish I could say that I understand Star Wars, at least in theory. That even if I personally don't appreciate it--like it, have any clue what it's about, remotely care--that I could appreciate the films' profound influence on popular culture, filmmaking, and generations of small boys the world over.

But I don't get it.

For a while I thought I got it, I thought that I too remembered where I was and how old I was when I first saw The Empire Strikes Back--it was in Ithaca, New York, at the now-defunct State Theater with my little French friend, Joy, who was visiting for a few weeks, and who I secretly despised, and who much less secretly despised me, because she was a tomboy who could catch a baseball and who snickered at my turquoise shorts and was mean, but still cried like a 4-year-old because she missed her daddy, who I know for a fact found her ugly and unfeminine. The little bitch. Anyway, we were both 8 years old, and she was super-excited--it was so her kind of movie, and not knowing English probably wouldn't be a problem, so she was relieved about that, and I guess I will always remember the moment when the bicyle took off and flew, and the screen filled with the dark shadow of the bicyle against the bright full moon--wait...that was E.T.

I don't know who the characters are in Star Wars. I don't know the story. I don't really know who the bad guys and good guys are anymore. I don't know who's related to whom, what we've learned over the course of the trilogies, what we still don't know, why some beasts grunt and others talk, why some robots don't talk and others wheeze like they're in end-stage emphysema. I don't know. And I don't care. I actively, in a hostile and agressive and militant manner, don't care. I deeply, profoundly, don't give a shit. It's like suddenly the world picking out puke-yellow as the world's favorite color, and everyone agreeing that puke-yellow is for sure the most super-dazzling fabulous color ever. Wouldn't you be a little freaked out? Wouldn't you be a little peeved that everyone seemd so genuinely excited about puke-yellow? Wouldn't you be a little irritated by this insanely global consenus that puke-yellow is just the best-est?

Well, should the point evade you still, Star Wars is my puke-yellow.


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