Thursday, March 03, 2005

How to Throw a Potluck

The old girls at the Big House in Alderson are bumming big time that their Martha's leaving, and not just because they'll miss her guidance in weaving class and yoga. Mostly because prison life is going to go back to being the mind-numbing and borderline abusive humdrum that it was for them until America's most famous lady liar turned up. In the WSJ today, one inmate said that since Martha's arrival, the corrections officers "almost treat us like we're human now." It's kinda gonna suck when she's gone tomorrow, huh? But they have big hearts, lotsa courage, and lotsa time, so last Tuesday they hosted a little potluck dinner to celebrate Martha's release. And what could be more a more prison-glam idea for a dinner party than a Release Potluck?!! So here are a few suggestions for hosting your very own Release Potluck. But remember that, like Martha's friends in The Cottages--that was the name for her wing of the prison--you and your guests can only cook using the microwave and the fridge.

Invite only friends who've committed non-violent crimes.
Don't invite anyone from The Range--that's the nasty side of the prison where they resented Martha.
Familiarize yourself with the issues surrounding sentencing guidelines, and manifest strong opposition to long sentences.
Start with some dry cereal purchased from the prison commissary. Since the food cutbacks at Alderson due to budget cuts, they only serve cereal once a week--so it'll be a nice change from the usual waffles and processed breakfast meat.
Follow with some baked apples--cooked in the microwave, just like the ones Martha made for her friend Susan Spry (12 years for meth posession) for Valentine's day.
Have a guest bring some wedges of iceberg lettuce--that's all any one inmate gets at lunch and dinner, since they eliminated the salad bar.
Finally, pineapple cheesecake for dessert! Add milk to the Jell-O mix, stir and refrigerate.

Bon Appetit!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and when the meal is done, you can fashion a shank from the extra cutlery!

March 03, 2005 5:56 PM  
Blogger Jack D. said...

Overnight, the Nation’s doily production quadrupled…

March 04, 2005 9:32 AM  

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